wanling!

The End.

2012-02-11T02:40:00.003+08:00

This feels so surreal. That in about 18 hours' time, I'll be boarding the plane to Brisbane and starting a new life there. There're so much that I'm leaving behind, my dog my family my friends and the life I've set in motion here. But sometimes, you've got to say goodbye in order for you to begin a new chapter in life. And this is my time.
I don't really know what I'm feeling now. Possibly nothing at all. It just seems so surreal. Like I know it's going to happen but it still feels like a dream. It's gonna be chaotic at the airport. And I've got to maintain myself, I'll try not to cry uncontrollably. A brand new start, one that I've been waiting for so long. And now that it's seemingly here, I'm at a lost.
I'm going to miss blogging here so much, going to miss this space that has always been here for me. I wished I didn't have to shut this down but I have to in order to start afresh.
In 18 more hours, this will come to an end.
And ily, always have always will. This is the last time I'm going to say it cos I'm leaving this behind.
The End.

Loved.

2012-02-10T07:29:00.003+08:00

i feel so loved.
my ah ma cooked a wonderful dinner for me last night, all my favorite dishes just for me. and she hasn't been cooking for the family for a really long time. and i'm just so thankful, to be able to taste her curry chicken, those fried wantons and that chicken soup. her cooking is still the best and i'm going to miss it just like how i'm going to miss her and my ah gong. i really love them so much and it pains me to see them growing older and older. i just wished time will stop so that they'll be this way forever.
i know i'm being unnecessarily difficult about this. but you have to know that it's difficult for me to actually trust you again. and i need to guard my heart cos i don't want to feel so vulnerable all over again. and i really don't have enough faith to believe that this will not end a disappearing act again. i'm so scared and so i try not to feel anything, try not to be so nice and try not to be the girl i used to be. it makes it easier for me this way. trust is not just a word, trust needs to be backed up by actions.
it's like i have so much i want to say, i want to say what i truly feel and what i really think. but no, i can't. or maybe it's just cos i don't have anyone whom i can really just spill everything out. true that i still talk to my really close friends, but those are mostly updates on our lives and sometimes i spill a little of my true feelings. but i feel like no one fully understands, so i just shut up. i used to confide in you but now we are mere acquaintances. then i turned to others, but it isn't the same. and then some shit happened and there'll always be this void among us. it is sad. maybe this is what growing up is. that you learn to be independent and just keep those nitty gritty details and your ugliest feelings and thoughts to yourself.
you're my friend so i never ever gave up on you. but it's getting too much, too unreasonable and too selfish. i just cannot comprehend you anymore, i cannot understand your mindset and i can't find another more reasons for you being the way you are now. we might not have been the closest but to a certain degree, i thought we were really good friends. but you're my friend, and so i'll stand by you no matter what. it's up to you to believe it or not.

Brick by Brick.

2012-02-06T14:51:00.003+08:00

i can so tell that PSYC1020 isn't going to be an easy module to take already. woke up at 7am with my friends just to sign on for the lecture and tutorial. and within minutes, the tutorial slot that we originally wanted is full and i was too slow. so had to switch to another slot which is okay, same time just different room. the people are so competitive, i must be a kanchiong spider too and put my blogshopping fastest fingers skill to use next time!

ours is a heartbreaking story. i wrote a heartbreaking letter. but it's all over now. come saturday, it'll be a new start, a brand new beginning. time to leave it all behind me. but you know what, i have never been so sure of anything in my entire life, except this, so maybe you just need to open up your eyes and see through me to see through yourself and know what you want too. cos 10 years down the road, i'll be here telling you that i told you so. trust me.
and since i know that you're reading this now, i shall just let you know more cos there's no harm and it's just a few more days and a few more details and then it's the end. when i'm sad, i listen to breathe by taylor swift. it's my sad song for you. you should go listen to it someday, the song holds some words that i never had the chance to tell you.
thank you for still caring after so long and after so much. thank you for proving me wrong, that there's still a part of you that i know since the start. but most of all, thank you for the answer that i needed even though it was insufficient.
i'm back on track and i shall continue the wall building process. brick by brick and nothing will hurt and i'll feel better soon enough. i just don't know what i'm feeling at this moment but i hope it goes away soon. cos it's not a nice feeling.

Insufficient.

2012-02-05T10:43:00.002+08:00

It wasn't what I wanted, it's insufficient. I've waited so long, not for just that. That's not good enough in comparison to mine. But that's better than nothing, how pathetic am I.
I said it again and you made me feel so unworthy again. And that sucks. I hvnt been feeling this way for a very long time now, and to feel it once again, it hurts just the same. Just one last thing and it's still a no. I say I understand, I do, I really do. It's just getting increasingly difficult to put myself aside to understand you. And I'm so tired of it so I won't anymore. I'll just think that I'm not worth the effort and be sad and cry and then get over it the hard way. Cos, what's new right?
Anyways this site will be shut down really soon, 7 more days to be exact. And then, you'll lose your connection to the deepest part of me. Everyone else too. It'll be better this way. Cos then, you'll actually have to really talk to me to know about my life, really talk to me.
I'm just scared of losing people, I've never been one to get over it fully.

Sinking.

2012-02-04T15:03:00.002+08:00

at the end of the day, i'm disappointed, in you. and it still puzzles me, what is this change. that someone whom i thought the world of is actually the one who disappointed me the most. and i don't want to remember you this way. and so i'll forget. forget about everything, forget about my very last attempt to get to you, forget how you let me down time and time again. maybe, it's this way now because i was the cause of your disappointment once and that i let you down a couple of times. i don't know. but the thing that i'm pretty sure of, is that it shouldn't be the way it is now. i've seen everyone but you and maybe that's the way it should be, life without you. its just sad you know.
my heart sank, so quietly and without an impact. and just like that, i'm incapable of those feelings that once engulfed my soul.

Clarity.

2012-02-03T01:34:00.003+08:00

there's a reason why i keep blogging, why i like to pen all my thoughts down. there're so many things in life that i don't understand, and i'm hoping that typing it all out will help me make sense out of it. that it'll give me the clarity that i'm searching for.
these days, i keep my feelings under tight control. i try not to feel anything. but it's getting really hard because i have all these really nice people in my life that keeps making me so happy. and i'm glad for them. at the end of the day, they are the people that really matter. i'm starting to feel all sorts of emotions lately. and it makes me scared. because when i start feeling, this sad feeling comes back all over again and i feel you. it doesn't make any sense how i'm still the way i am once i let my guards down a little. that i can still miss someone who stopped missing me a really long time ago, someone who let go and gave up on me, someone who's undeserving of everything i still feel now. i need to get myself back under control. there's a reason why things are the way they are now. and even if i can't fathom this reason, it's not an excuse for me to try to.
i am okay, i am really fine. it's just, i need to get it all out of my system. i need this avenue for me to just pour my thoughts out. for the words to help me obtain some clarity.
it's hard, life is hard. but i'll always be here for you when you need me to. i really believe that distance isn't a problem. that our friendship would be able to survive this. have more faith in me, my friends.

Redhead.

2012-02-02T01:04:00.000+08:00

I'm a redhead now hahaha went to dye my hair in the morning. and i must say, i'm really satisfied with it, money well spent! i should have done so a really long time ago, i'm so happy now haha because of my hair.
i'm really so easily satisfied and contended nowadays. it's the simple things that matter.
i've met up with everyone i want to already, well okay, except for you know who. but it's okay, i'll live with it. it's better than putting myself on the line again.
i love my grandparents so much. i know they really dote on me alot and i'm really close to them. i just can't wait for them to come over to aussie so that we can spend a lot of time together. they are the coolest old people ever and i love them!!<3
k shall head to bed so that i'll be able to wake up on time, big day ahead, going back to ahs for one last time for the irresistible prawn mee and chicken rice and wanton mee!!!
goodnight everyone, bless each and every one of you with a good day ahead!

Start trying!

2012-02-01T01:51:00.003+08:00

i must say, i have pretty awesome friends. and i'm lucky to have them.
just like what my dearest yt said, we should all appreciate life more, that what we have is already good enough.
and that is so true. and just like my new year's resolution, to find something good in everything, no matter how bad it is.
i'm still keeping to it and it really made life a whole lot easier by focusing more on the good instead of the bad.
life doesn't suck, we make our own lives suck. everything that happen to us is the result of the choices we make, subconsciously or in full knowledge. life, it's the way it is and most importantly, it's the way we want it to be. so if you want life to be good, then you got to start trying to make it good. and that's what i'm trying to do now. i'm not totally satisfied with my life now, but i'm contended with what i have.
and i've got to stop buying things. at the rate i'm going, i don't know how am i going to bring everything over. got to stop buying and stop shopping. going to leave my cards at home and only bring enough for food next time! damn bad, i need to go to shopping rehab again, shopping cold turkey.

Surprise.

2012-01-29T01:03:00.000+08:00

there goes another weekend. when it's good, time flies. and this weekend was really awesome:)
on saturday, my friends held a surprise farewell party for me. i really thought it was just another reunion lunch and dinner with onenine at mav's and cal's house. but surprise surprise hahaha. want to cry, that's why i hate surprises cos i don't know what to do. just want to say thank you to mavis and johanna for planning the party and also to the rest for attending it. on average, i've known these guys for close to 8 years and i'm really blessed to have such great friends. sorry i was such a cry baby, i was just really very touched. and i'm gonna miss all of you when i'm in australia. i feel so contended and i know that whatever happens in the future, i'll be okay because i have so many pillars of support:) seriously, i'm really happy and thankful.
sunday is family day and i had dimsum for brunch and then 85 for dinner. it can't get any better. so i satisfied both my cravings! i love it when my parents ain't quarreling, i just wished they would be like this forever. i got almost all the things on my packing list already and i'm going to start packing tomorrow. it's all so real and it's coming on so fast that it's hard for me to breathe right. i'm scared but at the same time i'm really excited. i have been waiting for this for a good long year and it's finally here. i'm going to leave this place, leave my home and venture out of my comfort zone. more than ever, please give me the strength and grace to make it through, i have a feeling i'm really going to need it.
and i think i'm really getting better. my heart doesn't thumped that hard and fast anymore, no more butterflies in my tummy and most importantly, there's no more tingling in my fingers. it's good, i'm all good. sure, it's sad. but i'm not going to let this sadness bring me down anymore.
sometimes, you have to let it go because it wasn't yours to begin with.

15.

2012-01-27T01:13:00.002+08:00

how sometimes, there's just nothing more you can do. when you've said all that you could and did all that you ever could have done. sometimes, people are just like that. and there's nothing you can do about it. you just shut the hell up and move on. that even if they are your closest bestest friends, you just have to act like you don't care and pretend that nothing's wrong. because maybe, there's really nothing wrong, maybe it has been this way all the while. that things are being highlighted now, more than ever, because i'm going to leave soon. and i'm done trying and making an effort for everything and anyone. that yes, i still have hopes for a really good year, and that i'm still somewhat happy. it's just, disappointment. i can't help feeling disappointed. and i can't even explain it since i can't find the right words.
it's okay, it's all going to be okay someday, just not right now.
i can only ask for the grace to be able to make it through now. that i'll have the patience to sit through this wait. and that's the thing that sucks the most, the patience part of grace.
i shouldn't be feeling this way. i should be spending tons of time with my closest friends and family, making magic out of the time i have left here. but i'm not. instead, i just want to hole myself up at home. i feel like if they can't even make the time and effort for me in these last few weeks then why am i still trying or even waiting. it doesn't make sense and i'm done trying to make sense out of it. i think i really fail as a friend, i can't fathom these happenings, i can't understand. and maybe that's where i went wrong, for trying too hard for so long. i know in many ways, i'm not the perfect friend, that i'm not as fun or funny or pretty or nice. and i'm so tired of feeling this way, of never being good enough. but most of all, i'm done feeling sorry for myself. i'm done trying so hard and not being appreciated. so once i'm in aus, i'm going to shut down this space and say goodbye to my past and these stupid feelings.
15 more days.

Dentures and walking sticks.

2012-01-26T01:24:00.003+08:00

it really amazes me how some friendships can last for years on and some are so shortlived. and it's the shortlived ones that leaves you the most broken. what burns the brightest leaves the scar that heals the slowest. and how after awhile, the disappointment starts to overwhelm the sadness and pain. and from then on, you just learn to switch off those feelings and not care anymore.
i'm friends with gina for 10 years already. this girl, is one and only, you'll never find another girl like her anywhere else. and that's what makes her so special. i'm really glad to have known her and be really great friends with her. we don't meet up as often as i would like but everytime we meet, we pick up from where we left off. and it's always great talking to her, like she actually gets me. it's friends like her that makes me believe that some friendships do really survive the test of time. and i'm sure distance will be easy-peasy for us too :) 10 years and still going strong, here's to many more years of friendships and hanging out with our dentures and walking sticks haha.
people come and go. all the time. and as we grow older, more people will leave than there will be people entering our lives. sometimes, i just don't see the point in trying. i can ask but that defeats the purpose. so i won't. it's just sad that it's the way it is now. it's just sad that a lot of things are the way they are now. that it doesn't have to be this way and yet it is. it doesn't make sense but there's nothing i can do about it. just got to accept the change and harden my heart and move on. cos, the people who cares, they'll be here no matter what. and if they aren't, then maybe we just thought things to be better than they actually are. the human mind has the ability to paint a beautiful picture of the past when it's actually not as wonderful, it's all just an illusion. just like how i'm a tad bit delusional. live in the moment, the past is the past for a reason and it's not as good as your mind tells you so. and the future is not yet to come, so don't worry too much and most of all, don't expect too much. because it just leads to disappointment and you yourself tend to disappoint yourself the most.

Reality is one big jerk.

2012-01-25T01:48:00.002+08:00

the past 4 days had been great with my extended family. i kind of wished that everyday is cny so that i get to spend unlimited amount of time in their company. we celebrate a lot of public holidays together and i'm going to be missing out on so much. i love them, i really do. and i'm going to miss them real bad.
sometimes, i wonder whether i'm really that good a friend as i want myself to be. i would go all out for my friends, i try to be there for them as much as i can and i'd do almost anything for them. but maybe, even then, it's not enough. because if it is, then i wouldn't be feeling this way after all. and as the days pass, i start doubting myself even more. when i said i didn't want it, a tiny part of me still hoped for it. that's where i went wrong, cos if last year taught me something, it would be to hope but not to expect. and i guess, i expected it thus i'm disappointed. i should have learnt my lesson and not let my guards down once again. i'm really pathetic. so if being the one who cares more or loves more or feels more makes one more vulnerable, then i think i need to stop and save myself from these ridiculous feelings.
it's a peaceful kind of angst amidst the happiness that i'm feeling. and i guess it's a compromise that one cannot be happy all the time that comforts me. and the knowing that i'll feel okay again soon enough that tides me through this.
there's nothing left for me to say. just a little more than two weeks and i'll be out of here. just a little bit more and i'll be far far away from these feelings. and maybe then, i'll feel better.
i just don't want to leave feeling this way. but reality is one big jerk and i can only stop trying so that i can lessen this worthlessness i'm feeling.

2012-01-22T12:16:00.003+08:00

happy chinese new year :)
it's reunion dinner tonight and i'm really looking forward to it. may this dragon year be a good year!
new year new hope again haha. for the 15 days of cny, i'll not be vulgar, no f words from me.

i've given up waiting for the words that would never come. it's been more than a month already and still nothing from you. that's really nice and comforting you know. it just goes to show a lot once again, and proved me right a million times over. just forget it, it didn't matter then, it won't matter now and it certainly will not in the future.

Something Borrowed.

2012-01-18T02:06:00.000+08:00

I'm starting on a new book called delirium after i finished something borrowed.
something borrowed is a really good book. it made me realize a couple of things. but most of all, it awakened my faith in life again. that good things really do happen to people who wait. that good things do happen to the good and nice people, to the people who are always second best. it gave me hope again. and maybe that person that you are meant to be with has always been by your side and you just fail to notice it because you think that you aren't good enough or you're just simply blind. but whatever it is, things will work out eventually and it'll work out for the best.
delirium is this book about how people find a cure for love. love is a disease and they cured the world of love. it sounds interesting when i read the synopsis in kinokuniya so i decided to give the book a go and bought it even though i was super broke. i'm hoping it's a good read because i'm interested in the other book by the same author about living life to the fullest and living everyday like it's your last day.
have i mentioned before how much i love books, how much i love reading? i love it so much that i would be able to give up shopping and eating for days on if i had a good book in hand. a good book would bring me to places i have never before been, make me feel feelings that i didn't know i had it in me and enlightened me on the way the world works. i love books, i'm a bookworm.
anyways, i'm looking forward to meeting some of my girlfriends on friday for lunch and my cutiepiexx for brunch on saturday! then it'll be the start of cny and i'm so looking forward to it because i get to spend lots of time with my favorite cousins and families:) it'll be just like the good old times when we were still young and they were my very first friends.

Lovely.

2012-01-14T02:07:00.000+08:00

i'm so tired but i'm a really happy girl. this year is really really good and it's the first time, in a really long time, that i actually think that things are going to get better instead of worse since it has been significantly good. maybe this is called hope and this is what it feels like to be genuinely happy.
this is by far the best weekend in 2012 still. friday night was really nice. and today, i went back to ahs for st.john's mock comp but it was actually to just catch up with my 408. and you know what, they are still the best bunch of people and i'm really going to miss them so much. i really regret not spending more time with them the past years when i could and now all i have left is a month and i just feel really bad for neglecting them. owells, at least i managed to meet most of them today. supper at 85 like the good old times. having major ahs withdrawal symptoms now, too much awesomeness in a day kills. was feeling so nostalgic just now, it's like for a moment i'm a sec4 again, having the best days of my life. it's this feeling of home when i step into ahs, like i'm back where i belong. and i'm sure not many can say that about their secondary schools. i feel proud to be from anglican high, feel blessed that i actually have a chance to grow there. that place gave me 2 groups of really good friends, onenine and 408. and i seriously don't know where i'll be now if not for them.
i guess it's true that you don't know what you have until you lost it. i never really did know how to appreciate a lot of things when i had them, it's only when i lost them then i start regretting. but not anymore, i'm not like this anymore. i appreciate everything i have now, even the things that caused me to be sad. i try to find something good in everything, try to learn something from it (another new year's resolution). and i've come to realize that it's the little things in life, the most simple moments that make life wonderful.
i'm just a tad bit sad that some of my really close friends are very busy that i can't meet them more often. but i guess if the friendship is strong, time and distance won't matter at all. i just really miss some of them.
i'm really happy, today was really lovely. i feel so lucky and blessed.

on a side note, i really need to start using my camera more often, or at least try to rmb that i actually have one in my bag and take it out and actually use it.

Make it count.

2012-01-11T23:59:00.002+08:00

It's exactly one more month before i leave for brisbane. just one short month here and i'm attempting to do the impossible, meeting all my friends and spending as much time as i can at home with my feifei and family. i'm ready to leave, more than ever. i'm ready to start a new life and i know that because when i leave, i'll have no regrets. i did all that i wanted to do and said all that i liked to. i tried to save some thing, i got my friends back and that's all that mattered. that even if at the end of the day, i failed to save it, at least i know that i tried my hardest. i have no regrets. and i know that i'm gonna miss you wherever i go and someday i'll forget you until someone mentions your name or i hear our song and i'll think about you again. but till then, i'll be okay just knowing that you're happy. cos, that's all that matters to me. i think i've really learnt a lot from this and grown more mature too, i hope. it's an expensive lesson but at least it toughened me up. and for what it's worth, it was great while it lasted. it was worth it.
one more month, make it count wan ling.

Good Karma.

2012-01-09T14:05:00.003+08:00

the last weekend was good. met up with 21/09 for our bbq night and although the turn out wasn't so great, the company was awesome. i miss my friends which made me miss tj too. just catching up since i hvn't seen most of them for months and it was great knowing that some things don't change and to know what's happening in their lives. and it was even better that they actually want to send me off. warms my heart you know haha, like they would actually make the effort and out aside the time for me.
i had some great buys the past week, like my furry coat from topshop that i got for $99 when it was actually $206 which meant i saved $107!!! and also that blazer jacket that i bought from selfridge yesterday for $39 when it cost $69 normally! must be all the good karma that i've been collecting. sales and i can still find my size, haha really makes me happy.
i realised that i don't exist in your world anymore, for a while already. and that's the way that it should be i think, and not the way that i want it to be or not the way that it is in my own delusional world. i'm okay as long as you're happy. i'm such a sucker you know, acting like i don't care when i really do care, saying things that i don't mean when i meant the opposite. i just had to do what i have to do i guess.
owells, life goes on. and life is good now.

Somehow.

2012-01-06T23:59:00.001+08:00

i was supposed to spend the day at home getting started on my packing but i just ended up watching oth the whole day because i got scared when i opened my closet, it's like all the clothes are just waiting to tumble down on me. so i decided to start on packing my storybooks and whatnots first. that is until i opened the first drawer and saw all the cards and scrapbooks my friends made for me over the years. i started taking them out and reading them one by one. it was really nice reading them, it made me feel so fortunate to have had those memories with them. but it was that one particular card that made me start crying like a big baby. i try not to read it, i even try not to see it because every time i see it, i'll just take it out and read it and then i'll cry. because things are so different now and i just want it to go back to the time in the card. it's the thought that it's impossible that makes me cry all the time. it's just sad. but i've got to let it go...
when you're happy, i'm really happy for you. and when i'm happy, you're the one i think about because i want you to be as happy, or even happier, as i am.
okays i'm having a really terrible stomachache now and i better feel better tomorrow! and i'm really looking forward to next week.

2012-01-05T23:59:00.001+08:00

this isn't bad, just one not so happy day out of the first 5 days of the new year. this, i can deal with. i've been dealing with it for the past years and i'm still here. it's nothing new, i just wonder when will i ever shake these feelings off. i'm not complaining about my life, it's good enough. at least, i'm really happier and that means alot. it's just, i want people, i want my friends to care more. i want them to do more for me before i leave. and i know by actually saying this out makes me sound really self-obsessed. but it's not that, i just want to feel like they care about me. and i know they do, i just can't feel it sometimes. and i really need to feel it now more than ever. i want them to do something more for me before i leave, i hope they would. but i know they won't so i stop hoping just so i won't be disappointed. every time we meet, we eat and laugh and then say bye and go home. that's okay really. i wished we'd talk more. more than ever, i wished they would hug me. it sounds weird coming from me since i'm not exactly a human contact kind of person, i flinched when someone touches me. i missed being hugged. sometimes, it takes a person leaving for the rest to realize the importance of that person. but sometimes, even leaving won't make a difference. i know i'll miss everyone so badly, i'm doing so even before i leave, i just wonder if any of them will miss me half as much. and i'm so scared that things will change, so scared that i'll drift away from them even more. and i'm so much more afraid that onenine won't be onenine anymore when i'm back. the adults keep telling me that cliques this big won't survive the test of time but i keep telling them that this is different, that we will make it work. but even i doubt myself sometimes.
i wished i could do more now to capture the happy times, i don't want just meaningless meals together. i don't want to be asking everyone out and then feeling like they can't make an effort. i don't want any of that. and if i'm only going to get that, i'd rather i just leave without meeting everyone else. but i know that i can't stop trying, especially now, because i know i'll regret if i really do considering the fact that i have like a month left here. just want to be asked instead of asking, but this is life after all.
just thought it'd mean more you know, just thought i meant more.

Hopeful.

2012-01-04T01:05:00.005+08:00

so far, the new year's been great. a little down a few days ago but it's definitely not something sleeping can't cure. i'm been happy actually, like genuinely deep down from the heart kind of happy. catching up with old friends and talking for days on.
throughout all these years, it's true that i've drifted apart from some of my closest friends. but i take heart in the fact that at least we are still talking and we are at the very least friends. we may not be as close as we were but at least we aren't strangers. i may not tell them my deepest darkest secrets but i trust them enough to know that they will be there for me when i need them to. sometimes, i get so caught up in my own problems that i forget to look around and see that i do in fact have friends that i can count on even after all these years. old friends are gold but ahs friends, they are priceless.
feeling hopeful and happy once again. you've just got to let go of the things and people who are weighing you down and holding you back. there're so much more to life and we're so young and we are only as young as we are now. we shouldn't waste time being sad when we can do something about it and make ourselves happier. and maybe i'll never get it right, and maybe i'll screw up every time something good happens to me. but for now, i'm okay with life and i don't think i'll be screwing anything up anytime soon. so if i do the next time, which i know i will, i'll remember to remember that things will turn out okay and i'll be alright again. just need to give time time and things will start looking up and be better soon.
I wished i could make you understand that and make you feel like somebody genuinely cares for you. because i do, still do.

2012

2012-01-01T21:36:00.002+08:00

today's the first day of the awesome year to be and it was really good! the best way to countdown to a new year is with your best budz.
Can i just say, Good riddance 2011. May i never have a year as bad as that ever again. 2011 was spent waiting, hoping and breaking almost every single day. and i had enough of this, of what i've became.
For 2012, i'd stop waiting and stop breaking apart breaking down. i won't stop hoping because that's about the best thing you can do for yourself, hope. hope for the best but don't expect the best because after all, this is life. and life always messes around with you.
I've also came to realization that happiness is a state of mind and that you are only as happy as you want yourself to be. There are so many things i can do to make myself happier but i always don't because half the time i'm doing crazy stupid things that i swore never to do. So for 2012, i'll only do things to make myself happy.
People change and they almost always leave, that's not something that would change no matter how hard i try for it not to. So i've got to be stronger and braver than this, got to be more independent and less reliant on others. to guard my heart and never let someone mangle with it again. because it sucks to be so sad and heartbroken all the time and it sucks even more to be alone in it. and i never want to feel that way again, never want to fall so hard and hurt so badly. leaving all this worthlessness and sadness in 2011, they stay where they are supposed to.
Friendship. I won't take back my words when i said that friends ain't permanent. because you and i both know that that's the truth. and the closer you become, the more you'll suffer when they are gone. but please don't doubt my love and the effort i put in for my friends, because they are real and they are all that i can offer. friendship shouldn't be that hard, it should be a two-way thing so if it gets too tough or that i feel really alone in it, then i'll just give it up. there's just no point holding on, isn't it? because if someone can let you go like you didn't mean a thing then you just got to suck it up and move on from there too. there's no point holding on to the past and hoping that things would go back to what they used to be, because, they almost never do. once things changed, they stay changed. you cannot unfeel those feelings, cannot unspeak or unhear those words and most of all you cannot unlove someone. so you do what you have to do, you harden that heart of yours and move on, walk away.
i just really want to be happier. i want to stop feeling like crap, i want to feel like i'm actually good enough. i want to forget and stop waiting. i want to actually be able to hope with all of my heart and not have a doubt in my mind. i want to stop feeling miserable and sad. i want to be strong enough to see myself through it all.
And i certainly hope that i will be all that i want to be. A new year brings about new hopes and all i'm hoping for is for 2012 to be better, to be good. I'm going to be in australia for the next 4 years of my life and i just want so badly for things to turn out okay, or even more than ever, to turn out great.
Just one more thing that i have to say, i'm glad for all my friends who have stayed with me through all these years. sorry that some really important people left. and hopeful for those that have yet to enter my life. I'm glad for old friends, old is indeed gold.
Guard my heart. Embrace change. Be happier.

Happy New Year :)

2011-12-31T16:14:00.002+08:00

i cannot wait for later already. gonna usher in the new year with my dearest ninefatties. but first dinner first at my favourite chinese restaurant!! really have this strong feeling that 2012 will be great! i cannot wait for the new year to come!
and i'm gonna make new year's resolutions later!!!
bye bye see you later in 2012:)
have a happy happy new year everyone!

Come what may.

2011-12-30T00:25:00.000+08:00

today's a really great day spent with my cutiepiexxx. finally had my share of exercise when we went ecp to cycle for 2 whole hours, i was so cui my thighs were aching hahaha. then dinner:) i always have a lot of fun with them and it's like we are so retarded and i just can't stop laughing when i'm with them! owells, going to miss them so much when i'm in aus:(
one of the best things in life is talking to an old friend. and discovering that everything's still the same and that it's not awkward or whatsoever but rather, it's really enjoyable. we don't need to talk everyday, every week but when we do talk, we just start from where we left off and it's like no time had passed between us. and i get really touched when my friends want to meet me before i leave. makes me feel like they really care. and like i'm the friend i used to be, especially when i changed so much and i don't really like who i became.
I have this feeling that 2012 will be great! i want it to be. i have been miserable for so long that it just sucks and i'm so sick of it. just have this really strong gut feeling that the new year will be a good year. i'm going to be happy.
come what may, i'll deal with it bravely.

My warped concept.

2011-12-29T02:08:00.002+08:00

If you have to think about who to choose, if you can't decide between two people and if you can't decide who you love more. Then i guess, you probably don't deserve any of them.
I just can't understand how someone can be so torn between two people because i don't get how someone can love two people at the same time and as much. To me, it's either you love or you don't. It's either one or none at all. I can't even love one person without tearing myself apart and yet someone can love two people at the same time. It just doesn't make any sense, does it? How can you be in love with two people at the same time? and how can you choose between them? it's like if you have to choose, it means that you don't love either of them as much as you think you actually do. because, you just can't love two people at the same time, not with the same intensity. and if the intensity is not strong enough then you just love yourself more, i guess.
That's just me. That's how i feel and how i will always feel. Like every time i watch the bachelor or the bachelorette, i understand that you have to eliminate the guys that you don't click with but at the end of it all, when there's like only 2 guys left, then you should know which one you're truly in love with already. and if you really care for the other, you would have let him down gently and not put him through the torturous process of proposing to you and having to hear you say no, i don't. i mean, seriously. you already know who it is that you want, so why not just let the other guy go first and save his dignity and not have him propose to you. I always get so angry when i watch the final rose episode. and i still don't believe that you can really be in love with a person you barely knew for 2 months while dating so many other guys, not to mention, on reality tv.

this is the last week of 2011! yay, like finally. this has really been a really really really bad year. i always say that every year is bad but amidst the bad, i can still find some good in it and appreciate the year and things like that. but not this year, there's just nothing good in this year. like i can erase 2011 from my life and not be affected by it at all. at all. yeah that's how insignificant 2011 is. and this christmas is my worst christmas ever and i don't ever want it to be this way again. if i need to, i won't even be here for it next year. shit happens, people leave and me, i change. and maybe some of you will never understand why i have to change to be the way i am now, why is my mind set in this way and why am i thinking so negatively. i guess, when you've been through what i've been through for these past 4 years, you'll understand. there comes a point in life for everyone when you just drift away from people. and i guess, those past few months had been mine.
Things are the way they are now for a reason. and i just hope that the reason will be for me to be happy in future.
So before 2012 comes, I'll reflect on this year and learn from it so that 2012 will be better. and also make my new year's resolutions again and this time, really keep to it.

The circle married the line.

2011-12-25T16:28:00.002+08:00

Merry Christmas.

Life is good enough and i need to wrap my mind around it.
and i don't know why i keep mixing up the dates and end up with too many things to do in one day. i need to be more organised so from now on, i'll note every thing in my planner and hopefully, stop confusing the dates.

when the circle marries the line, that's the day we'll be okay.
i love how some songs are able to make what i feel concrete, that there are actually words to describe those feelings. and maybe that's why, i'm so open to new types of music, even if they are heavy metal.

someday, the friends you have now will not be your friends anymore. but i hope that won't happen to me. and it's just sad and scary to think that someone i used to talk to everyday and hang out with often could eventually be a stranger in my life in future. like how some things just ain't permanent, people leave too.

owells, it's the season of giving so i guess, it's also the season for second chances. or third or fourth or fifth or whatsoever.

Bother not, Care not.

2011-12-24T01:01:00.003+08:00

when you had a taste of the most perfect christmas weekend before, how can any others compare?
i have been dreading christmas, my favorite time of the year, for two years already.
i'm afraid to fall again, i'm guarded, i'm tired of trying. i took a lot away from this whole debacle. but most of all, it made me realized this. that no matter how hard you try and how much effort you put in, there's only a 50-50 chance that you might actually succeed. and the heartbreak and disappointment you get when you fail is enough to kill you. so, why try?
when you open up your heart to someone, there's always this chance that they might break it. so why open up?
when you trust someone, they might break your trust someday. so, why trust?
and people always leave and you're always alone, so why bother?
you can say that this isn't what wanling would say. but i'm telling you that that girl's gone, that stupid pathetic girl isn't here anymore. what you see now is what you get. what i can give to you now is what i have left. and if that isn't enough or good enough, then i'm not enough for you.

It's okay.

2011-12-22T23:36:00.002+08:00

i just thought that it would be more than a sentence. i expected more.
but then again, who am i to expect more?

it's just sad you know, i'm just sad. that's all. but i'll get over it, like how i always do.
and i'll turn out okay, just like how i always do.

Stupid and incredibly dumb.

2011-12-21T23:59:00.001+08:00

i hvn't been this happy in a really long while. like i hvn't had a good day in a long while too. onenine gives me hope you know, it's like they are my constant. we can have all these big crazy fights and quarrels and not talk to each other for a while after the disputes, but at the end, everything is fine again. and this is what gives me hope. that things could break down until it seemed to be that everything is ruined but yet, we can turn it around and become closer. it makes me happy, they make me happy:)
i have been obsessed for so long. i know that i have to let it go, no matter how hard it is, in order for me to find my happiness. to be honest, i still think about you, i think of you most when i'm happy. and there are places that i wouldn't go with anyone else, songs i wouldn't sing with others and shows that i would watch only on my own. and words that i only utter to myself these days. it's not going to be easy but i know i can do it. i took a year to finally get my mind around the idea of you not being around anymore, which also gave me time to get use to it. and i'm coping well, surprisingly. i just can't open up anymore, i'm so afraid, so fearful of relationships now that i just keep everyone at a distance. i just can't do it. and so many things i keep to myself because when i let them all out, then they are real. and i don't want others to judge me or judge you or judge us. i want it to stay as perfect as what it was. so i just keep it all to myself, or i write a letter like i always do or if i'm lazy i'll just type it all out and save it as a draft. it's therapeutic, to be able to let it all out and yet at the same time, not be judged. i am stupid, i'm incredibly dumb, this i know. but at least, i gave my all and i have no regrets.
life is so short, do all the stupid things you want, be stupid. life is too short to be spend trying to be smart and do everything right. but do stupid things that are beneficial, not stupid things that you would regret. that's going overboard. i stand by my values and my mindset.
and at the end of the day, what i really missed the most is your company. it's the thought of always having someone there no matter what. it's the reassurance that i'm never alone. i guess, i just got to be even stronger than this.

A Jinx.

2011-12-20T00:22:00.002+08:00

things are different, so different now. i know my actions were bound to bring about consequences, i just didn't think it would be this bad. that when you walk away, you must really steel your heart and walk away and not look back. because if you decide to come back and try again, it won't be easy because everything changed. like how it used to be us, then it became you and her or you guys and others. just not me anymore. like how i used to be the first person you would tell everything to, now it's like we don't really talk anymore. it's just sad. and i know i've brought this upon myself, that in a way, i kind of messed up my friends' lives too. and trust me, i don't feel good about it, i feel extremely guilty and i keep blaming myself. but what's done, done already. i did what i had to do, what i thought was right at that point of time. and it's just really bad for me that i got replaced. i'm not blaming anyone but myself, because i started it. if i weren't so sensitive and so begrudging then maybe i wouldn't mind or at least i could have continued pretending to not mind so that things would iron themselves out. but i just couldn't, i decided that enough was enough and threw an ultimatum and called for a break. and to know that this break didn't really served its purpose except to allow me to let time bury the hatchet, makes me upset. but what can i do. i can only suck it up and let it go and move on. i know things would never go back to how they were last time, that there'll always be this void. don't ask me why i'm so guarded these days, it's just what i have to do in order to protect myself. and don't ask me why i don't talk to you anymore, you know why. because when you weren't there for me through my toughest period, how can i trust you to be there for me when i need you? even if i were to explain and recount the happenings to you when you weren't around, it wouldn't be the same, you wouldn't understand. and i definitely don't want to dwell on the past anymore so no, i won't talk about it.
when it comes to me, i'm a jinx to relationships. they always crumble when i'm in the picture. even the tightest relationship band falters once i'm in the picture. it's just always going to be this way. i'm just bummed out that i'm the one being left out this time round. but i asked for it and this is the consequence of my actions. i'll still stand by what i did simply for the fact that i needed to do it, in order for me to feel like i'm important. and yet like every sad story, it backfired and i just became even less than what i was last time. that over time, your importance dwindles down when your disappearing act lengthens. that even your closest friends find someone else to confide in and hang out with when you prove too much of an effort. and maybe it's better this way since i almost always screws up eventually, so might as well, i walk away first and save us all the misery. i'm a jinx whatsoever.
and the quarreling finally stopped and it's like a huge rock got lifted off my shoulders. the fight was really bad this time round and i was really upset by it. but all's well now and at least now, i can get a good night's sleep. you know that no matter what you do and how you treat me when you're mad that you're still my dad and i'll always forgive you even if you don't apologized. because i love you daddy and i always will.
i need to stop tearing up over every single damn thing. stop being so pathetic and get back to being who you used to be wan ling.

Stuck in the Past.

2011-12-18T01:18:00.003+08:00

it was a great catch up with everyone, dinner was cheap and good, followed by drinks and logcake haha. just really miss my friends i guess. like even though most of the time we are just laughing at each other, it feels normal, comfortable. i've just been spending alot of time with my ahs friends and they are awesome. they are the best people ever and no one beats an ahs friend. and i know all the ahs people i know would say the same, because it's the truth. they say, the friends you make in secondary school are your friends forever. that to me, makes a lot of sense.
and i guess, half way through, i just felt sad. it finally hit me, hit me so hard just now that i teared. i'm going to miss so many things and so many people here. and somehow, i don't want to leave anymore. it's always in the night when all my fears and doubts set in that makes me so fearful of what the future holds for me that i just start crying. i miss my friends. and even though i still have a lot of unhappiness and grudges in me, i miss them. and i blame myself for a lot of things. for not being there for them because of my stupid feelings, for being left out, for being replaced, and for the friendship having changed and for not being the same as before. i miss the way things used to be. i miss doing everything with them. i was so stupid to have let my feelings get in the way that i missed so much time with them. time that should have been used wisely instead of being angry with them. and to think that i only have a month and a half left makes me so sad. because i've missed out on so much and i will continue missing out on things. i won't even be here for their 21st birthdays and no one will be there for mine too. i want to make up for lost time but i don't know where to begin because i've been gone for so long. i'm just really sad. and i've wasted so much time on this particular person, put in so much effort and never stopped trying for him. but what's the point. i'm just this pathetic girl who cannot move on. i never really meant anything to you in the first place, because if i really were that important then it wouldn't be so easy to just let me go. the harsh reality you know, you try so hard for the wrong person that you let everyone else in your life slowly slip away.
i just want to sit down and talk about it and cry it all out. but when i look around, there's no one. and that's really sad. it didn't used to be this way. i don't have anyone that i can really sit down and bare it all out because no one understands. so i do what i always do, keep it all in and hope that it'll go away.
and this year, it'll be another lonely countdown. it's just so sian. my christmas is packed with family events that's why i don't spend them with my friends. but every new year's eve i'm so free and yet everyone else is busy. forever, and it's getting really sickening. time is never on my side. but owells, i'll be okay. just stay at home and watch telly.
i'm that kind of person who gets stuck in the past because it's a wonderful place to be.

What I missed the most.

2011-12-16T23:36:00.002+08:00

sitting on a bench and talking till the lights are all turned out in a mall with my friends. this is what i missed the most. and this is also what makes me so sad everytime we have a dispute. i can live without them, but i don't want to, i don't ever want to. in a way, they define who i am, they have been a huge part of my 19 years of existence. sure, i get angry and frustrated and annoyed but at the end of the day, once i meet them, it all disappears. it isn't easy, that's why it's worth it.
i was being really silly dreading the day. i miss my girls and i know that it isn't going to be easy trying to get back to where we were before but at least we are making tiny steps towards it. and i'm willing to continue trying my best just so everyone is happy and as long as all of us tries too.
gonna meet 408 tomorrow, another group of friends that i hvn't met in ages. i hope it'll be fun like today too, i really want it to be.
going to curl up in bed with my new book and some good old rock songs, but mellow ones for tonight haha.

2011-12-14T23:55:00.003+08:00

Korea was so good. 8 days away from this place. with falling snow and the air that hyun joong breathes, what more can i say. it wasn't easy spending so many days just with my family but it was really enjoyable. my favorite part of the trip would have to be the 2 days at the ski resort, holiday inn was perfect and the whole ski village was just so fairytale-like, it makes me happy just being in there. shopping wasn't so awesome because of the season but i got a few nice pullovers for aussie. basically, i grew fat. it was 3 meals a day for 8 days straight and i'm the kind of person who eats only at most 2 meals a day. when i'm there, 70% of me wants to come back home because i miss my dog and my bed. but when i'm actually back here, a 100% of me wants to be back there. 8 days of silence from the real world, no communications with anyone except the occasional wifi connection and so no conflicts and no unhappiness. just sucks to be back because nothing's change. i really hate the way things are here. how people can be so nice and endearing to you when they need something yet they can be so mean and awful when they are done taking from you. i really don't understand and this shouldn't be the way. what happened to a simple 'thank you'? it really doesn't matter how much you do and how far you are willing to go for people, because at the end of the day, nothing changes. and i've given up trying so hard just so people will like me, just so i'm good enough for them. it just doesn't work that way. when things are peachy and everyone's happy, they are all like i love you and what would i do without you. but when things go array, they find the easiest person to blame and be annoyed at. and i'm sick of that. it really upsets me when people show the slightest tinge of unhappiness towards me or with me, so i would beat myself up and try to set things straight even if it means going against myself. but not anymore, you can go ahead and dislike me, hate me, you know whatever. i'm done bothering myself with all these nonsense. i cannot possibly please everyone and i'm tired of being so angry and upset. it's not like i don't try, i try like hell. but for fuck? everything crumbles, even the relationship you thought was the anchor of your life. at the end of the day, you're alone still and you always will. and i really don't deserve to be treated this way. but whatever, because if it's anything, it's always about you and you and you. so fuck it okay, just go away and leave me alone. it's stupid to be crying over this and i hate myself for being this weak. but no one will ever understand so somewhere along, i just stop talking, there's just no point. and there're so many things going on in my family now, i don't have time for other issues. family, they are the ones who stick with you all the way and never give up on you. friends, they aren't permanent. that's all i have to say. so right now, it's family first for me and i'm going to be there for them every step of the way especially for my beloved cousin who's going through a really rough patch now. so do whatever you want, i'm not angry, i'm just a little bit upset, but it's okay, it has to be. all this is just driving me further away from here, just 2 more months wanling, stick it out and you'll be out of here soon enough. and maybe when you actually try to understand what i'm going through, you'll know why i'm so eager to leave.
there's nothing holding me back anymore, absolutely nothing.

Perpetually angry.

2011-12-05T16:43:00.003+08:00

One last post before i leave tomorrow afternoon.
Do you feel like not talking to anyone sometimes? I've been feeling this way a lot recently. like i just don't want to talk to anyone, or that talking to people annoys me. like i just want to be alone.
maybe it's because i'm so used to being on my own that i'm accustomed to it. or maybe it's the people, not me. i don't know but a big part of me knows that it's just me. i'm always the problem. that even if i'm not the one at fault or not the only one wrong, i end up being blamed the most and disliked the most. and i've gotten used to it. that it doesn't bother me as much as it used to, i just let it all slide past me. there's just no point fighting it or trying to make things better. nobody sees the things i do for them, it's getting to the point where all that's holding me there is the name of it all.
somewhere along, i just stopped trying as hard and caring as much.
owells, just hope that tomorrow will be a fun day for the girls. can't believe i'm planning the whole thing but i'm not going to be there.
i'm just perpetually angry. so leave me alone if you don't want to care, i didn't ask you to anyways.

Misery is an old friend.

2011-12-04T23:31:00.003+08:00

I spent an awful lot of time being sad. It's like misery is an old friend who never leaves. And I spent a lot of time missing people and things. At the end of the day, I'm still alone. People always leave, that's no surprise. and maybe it's just me. I've given up trying to explain the way i feel and the things i do. so go ahead, judge me, i just don't care anymore. I just know that i try my hardest and that's good enough for me. It's pathetic, I'm pathetic. Sometimes, i just start crying because i feel sad. it creeps into me, and this lump in my throat seemed to be there always. I'm so tired of this, i just want to run away and leave everything behind. and maybe that's why i can't wait for february to come.
Time for some hard rock therapy. the loud music drives these crazy thoughts away.

Bless you :)

2011-12-02T23:59:00.002+08:00

Had a fun-filled day at USS with mav and lj today. the human and cylon ride are the two most scary ride ever but they were so much fun, especially the cylon ride, love the smoke and the upside-down part. the mummy ride which mav was so hyped up about was also really good! have to admit that i have a soft spot for carousel so when lj suggested it i was more than happy to go along:) anyways, i was really happy today. the rain didn't dampen our moods at all because the weather was so cooling in the afternoon. so i would say that it was actually a blessing in disguise!

i'm so tired and my legs are aching from walking and playing non stop, but i highly suspect it's from kiaping the seat too tightly when on the rides. going to start packing my luggage this weekend so i wouldn't be in a fluster again, like always. from now on, i must be more organised and orderly when it comes to daily life. must apply my study brain to everyday life so i'll be more efficient. time is everything!!! i was so tired just now i could fall asleep standing up, but now i can't sleep:( omg sian what to do? my eyes hurt too zzz.

and i really hate how it is that everytime things are finally going back to normal, something has to happen and make it a mess again. i'm really so bummed out and honestly, i'm tired of seeing it unravelling again. maybe i should quit twitter. technology sucks anyway.

but still, december has been awesome so far!:) let's hope it stays this way pls pls pls

December, break those anchors.

2011-12-01T22:34:00.003+08:00

okays omg it's december already. i think i should start panicking a little. but i'm not. because a huge part of me just can't wait for this month to end which would signify the end of 2011.
I'm like blogging every day now if i can. and it's getting boring to read so i won't mind if you just unread my blog. because my life is just so mundane and all i do is just type some stupid pathetic logic of mine.
anyway going uss with the 3 birds tomorrow, i should probably crash soon so i'll wake up in time and look good enough for the awesome day ahead.
life doesn't stop just because someone left you. all the activities that you guys had planned don't need to be shelved just because one party left. you just make do with the emptiness. and you can still execute those plans with your other friends. life is how you make it out to be. it can be fantastic or it can be a sinkhole, it's all up to you and only you. this is your life after all.

and i've sent my heart out on those pieces of paper. maybe you'll finally get it or maybe you still won't. and i guess all that shouldn't matter anymore. hope comes with letting go and letting go comes with breaking those anchors that were sinking your heart.

Love saves.

2011-11-30T23:27:00.003+08:00

so i'm done with the letter, finally. it may not be perfect or beautiful, but it holds the words to my heart and the soul to my words. and with this, i've ended my side of the warped fairytale. now all that's left for me to do, is to get it to you.

life drives you crazy, people make you mad and love, that's the worse thing, it screws with your mind and leaves you insane and broken. a boy and a girl shouldn't be together, no one should ever be together because at the end of it all, there's only hurt and more hurting. because at some point, someone stops loving and someone stops giving and someone stops feeling. and where does this leave the person who never stopped loving or giving or feeling? love sucks and it will always suck. people leave, and they won't stop leaving. but everyone still yearns for love and to be loved. because truthfully, love is what saves us from the scars of love. only love is capable of healing them. and love makes us happy. so we, despite knowing that it may end up really ugly, still continue looking for love, waiting for love and falling in love.

because at the end of it all, love saves.

Two years on.

2011-11-29T22:48:00.003+08:00

it's the day of the year, yet again. 2 years ago, today was perfect. 2 years on, everything changed.
caught the apple of my eye today for the 2nd time, what an apt movie for the day. didn't really cry much in the cinema, i have this lack of emotions.
i shall finish the letter by tonight, writing it today seemed to be the right thing to do. i cannot hold on to this anymore, it's sucking the life out of me. i need to let it all go, let everything out of my system.
first step to everything is to stop talking to you and to stop talking about you. i don't know how i'm going to do so but i have to and it's going to tear me apart.

Everything's peachy, except Joie.

2011-11-28T23:25:00.003+08:00

Breaking dawn part 1 is so much better than my expectations of it. i cannot wait for part 2 already but it'll only be out in november 2012, for which i hope i'll be back to catch it with my girlies.
and i'm kinda happy that everything's peachy with the girls again now. no quarrel can tear us down, and i really hope it remains this way.
i'm forever sleep deprived. if i have any less than 8 hours of sleep, i can only function for half the day. need to sleep all i want now before school starts for me. i really want you to come with me but i also know that it's not going to be easy for you to leave so many things and so many people behind. because it's not easy for me too. i just know that i can detach from people and be strong if i have to. it comes with being alone far too often.
Joie hurts, my ear hurts >:( i hope it'll stop hurting next week when i'm not here please please please.
tomorrow is the 29th november again. how time flies and how some things change and how some didn't. owells. i don't know how to write that letter. actually i had written so many versions of it and i want snippets of it all but i don't know how to make them gel together properly. omg, i think i should just write another one. argh, shall go sleep first.

Misery Business.

2011-11-27T02:17:00.000+08:00

The days are flying by so quickly, it's scary. I'm just glad that my ninefats are back to normal, you girls really mean alot to me. And I just hope that the remaining days here would be peaceful. Just peaceful would be enough.
And I've yet to finish crafting the letter. Time's running out, I want to end this misery business soon.

H

2011-11-26T22:54:00.002+08:00

Hi my friend, i hope you're doing fine. when you love someone, you let them go. you did the right thing and i'm sure he'll be okay. but you have to be okay too. i'm always here for you, always, no matter what. i loved you then, like i love you now and i'll love you forever. you're my best friend and we'll get through this together, you and me. and please remember that, no matter what happens between us, you can always count on me, i'll be here for you through it all.

A helix named Joie.

2011-11-25T23:29:00.002+08:00

'It's been fifty years, fifty long years since I've done this. Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is the measure of a successful life, then some would say that I'm a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won't be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair remember it's only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, or stumble and fall, cause most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination.'

-Coach Whitey (One Tree Hill)

it's never too late to try to fix things. and i'm always fixing something. but what if this time round, i don't want to fix it anymore? what if this time round, i'm the one who walked away? it's as difficult to walk away as it is to be walked out on. i'm just afraid that even after i walk away, i won't be able to walk out of it. but if i don't try, i'll never know. so we'll see.

#27: I now have a helix piercing named Joie after my dear bad ass friend Johanna who made me pierce it this afternoon. i still love her anyways:)

and this blog post is for Joie. yesterday i got a purple streak, today i got a piercing so who knows, maybe i'll get a tattoo tomorrow.
hahaha just kidding

This purple streak named Purply.

2011-11-24T23:17:00.003+08:00

Today was my first time visiting haji lane. if i weren't this broke, i would have bought the 2 dresses that i saw and like very much. but owells, life sucks and shit happens so i can only feast on it with my eyes and then walk out of the shop with all my willpower. and anyway, i'm rather proud of myself today because i didn't spend alot!!!! and i saw my happy fat birdies and we were having our crazy talk again and i'm happy:)
everyone's trying and that's heartening:) friendship should be this way. that you can fall out and make up and everyone keeps on trying and trying and never stop. because if it means alot to you then it's worth all the effort and all the time.
and i'll finish my letter by next week and get everything over and done with. this time, i'm ready.

#26: i love birds, doves and swallows. but of them all, i love my 2 happy fat birdies the most.

for once in my life, i can say that i'm a wild girl hahah i have a purple streak in my hair!!!! this blog post is in honor of my purple streak for which i'll name it purply.

2011-11-23T23:26:00.003+08:00

I spent the whole day writing this letter and yet i can't seem to find the words to describe perfectly what i'm feeling or at least bring across my point. and it just sucks you know. because there're so many things i want to write, so many feelings and so much more that i want to be understood. i suck with words, i can never find the correct word to use.

#25: my favourite fruit is banana.

All you need is one.

2011-11-22T22:11:00.003+08:00

"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one.'

-Peyton Sawyer (One Tree Hill)

yeah sometimes, all you need is one. or rather at the end of it all, all you need is just that one person whom you've always wanted.
there's this certain level of familiarity i experience everytime we talk, and yet we don't talk often. it just feels nice talking to an old friend, it feels right.
i'm going to use these few days to think things through peacefully. and when you're back, i'll have an answer. i kind of already have my answer, my solution. and it would be alot for me to actually see it through but i know what i have to do, for myself this time round.
and i really need to stop spending money omg i swear, i'm the death of myself. i'm so broke and yet i can still spend. i loathe my spending habits when i'm upset and out of my mind. this time, i'll be my own shopping rehab.

#24: i have a closetful of clothes but none to wear every day.

i miss my friends.

A new perspective.

2011-11-21T23:53:00.002+08:00

i spent the night bawling my eyes out and that made me feel better. i woke up with a new perspective and i'm all better now. sometimes, you just need to cry your hearts out and have a sleepless night so that you'll wake up to a better day. and now that things are so much worse than before, there's just no way it can get any more worse right? so the only way is up.

you know how they used to say that as you grow older, you become a better person? well, i think that doesn't works for me. i feel like the older i am, the more screwed up i get. i know i wasn't such a mess when i was 13. and as i grew older, idk why it is this way too, but i almost always mess things up. maybe i let society and its cruelty get to me. but i just hope that, all this loneliness and wrecked-upness i feel now would make me a better person in time to come.

i think i'm nice, maybe too nice to people who don't deserve it. but that's the way i am. that even after all the shit and all the hurting, i can still find it in me to be nice to you. i just know that in order for me to be a better person, i have to give without expecting any in return. and that's in me, i know that. because when i make someone happy, i feel happy too.

i won't hate you if you let me go and i won't hate you if you leave without a word. but i would hate you if you forgot all the things i had done for you and all the feelings i made you feel before. because those are what i gave you and those came straight from my heart. so, you can't forget them, you can't throw them away even if you threw me away.

#23: when i say to leave me alone, please just leave me alone. because there are just some miseries that i have to get myself through. that the only way is for me to shut myself out and heal.

2011-11-20T22:07:00.002+08:00

you don't want to send me off even if you could.
we are not talking.
your heart will be here when we are there.
you know what, how about everyone just don't send me off? how about everyone just not be my friend anymore? how about i just leave alone and never come back?
just when i thought things couldn't get any more worse, it just did. this needs to stop, it really needs to stop if not i'll be the one who stops. what the hell is wrong with me and my life? why is everything going wrong now. it seems as though it won't stop till i'm all bend out and all broken apart. you choose your friends so it's your own doing. i know i did, i just thought that by giving everything i can and doing all that i can, it'll be enough. but apparently not.
so why not everyone just leave me alone.

2011-11-19T21:45:00.001+08:00

this is killing me.

Happy birdie day

2011-11-19T17:28:00.005+08:00

went to the marmalade pantry to have lunch with lijing and mavis just now. and it was so good, the risotto is omggg hahah yummy!! and i had a great time with them:) they are my happy fat birdies and they will always be. i really hope lijing likes her present and had a good birthday lunch with us. it's like we can talk about anything and everything and i can be myself with them. my annoying lame self.

#22: shopping really does make me happy.

People always leave.

2011-11-18T23:39:00.003+08:00

You ever wake up from a really good dream and try to get back to sleep? Or you got the flu and you promise yourself that you’d appreciate normal so much more if you could just get back to it. That’s the way I feel. I just want things to go back to the way they were.
-One Tree Hill

i'm just in a really bad mood recently. or issit sadness? i can't really differentiate those two anymore. it's like i'm angry then i get sad and then i'm okay again. i just want to cry but i can't be that weak or that pathetic or that of a loser anymore. i need to be strong and tougher. i'm a biker chick with my biker jacket for goodness sake.
you should never allow yourself to get close to a person. because the closer you get, the more it hurts when that person leaves. and people, they always leave.

#21: my favourite holiday is christmas. my favourite christmas is the christmas of 2009.

Something more. Not.

2011-11-17T23:15:00.004+08:00

friends=come to me only when you need help. what's new. and it sickens me so much to have seen what i saw.
i won't make the first step, not this time. because that's too much to ask of me, i'm not that good a person.
i make a big deal out of this because in my world, we were the closest and i thought i actually meant something more. but i guess not.
i can let this go if you actually give me reason enough to. and right now, i'm just waiting for you to actually do something one last time to show me that i'm worth it. but this waiting is futile, i know it, so i should just listen to him and let you and let this go.
friendship sucks.

#20: i think i have a pretty good listening ear, i like to listen to my friends.

Exit granted.

2011-11-17T01:09:00.001+08:00

Just received an email that my visa has been granted!!!! yay hahahah words can't describe my happiness!!!!!! i'm doing a happy dance in my head and in my living room hahahaha. omggggggg i'm really happy!!! i'm another huge step closer to aussieland.

and it's like, my life is just about to begin.

In this alternate universe.

2011-11-16T22:44:00.002+08:00

Everything's just isn't the same anymore with you, you, you and almost everyone else. What's the point in pretending that it is and that everything is okay? Who are we trying to kid? I need to stop floating around in this alternate universe and wake up from my delusion, and stop living in the lies I made up. Everything's different and the people who I used to know, changed and even I'm not myself anymore.

#19: my favorite ice-cream is ben&jerry's strawberry cheesecake. I can finish one whole tub at one go.

那些年

2011-11-15T23:35:00.006+08:00

this is the first chinese movie i've watched since a really long time and it's really good. i cannot stop replaying this song and i cannot stop replaying the scenes from the show in my head. this show makes me miss school so much, it makes me feel so nostalgic. and the show is really relatable to me because i'm also starting university soon after leaving jc. how everyone is going to go their separate ways. and there'll be a day when we attend the first wedding of the friend we made in school. i felt kinda sad watching it but i couldn't afford to let myself cry. because then i'll be feeling too much and that isn't good at all. i really miss the times in ahs and in tj. i miss the people in it, i miss my friends. I really should have treasured my time in school more instead of hating it most of the time. it's like this empty nagging feeling, like i want it so badly but i cannot turn back time and get back what used to be mine. i just really miss the past.

#18: i don't eat prawns.

Love's a bitch.

2011-11-14T23:34:00.002+08:00

Cooper; "Look Nate, love's a pretty great thing, maybe it's the greatest thing, but it's gotta be true love.. For the both of you."
Nathan; "What if it was? What if it still is?"
Cooper; "Well if it still is, man, you fight like hell for it. But the harder question is, what if it wasn't? Trust me, that one's a bitch."

-One Tree Hill

#17: I'm a sucker for drama serials. It's much better to help them be angry/jealous/happy/sad/disappointed and feel all the feelings in this world than to deal with my own. And also because, at the end of the episode, it's happily ever after most of the time and that beats reality any day.

One heartbreak closer.

2011-11-13T23:04:00.000+08:00

If two people are meant to be together then they will be in the end. So my fat birdies, we'll be happy. If they got away and it's meant to be, they'll come back. And if they don't then it means we are one heart break closer to our happily-ever-after. We can try as hard as we possibly could yet it might not pay off because fate plays a major role in life. So please fate, be nicer and stop playing cruel jokes on us all.

random fact #15: i'm really fickle-minded.
random fact #16: i cannot make up my own mind, i cannot make decisions on my own. i always need my friends' opinions or if i'm really desperate, i'll flip a coin.

Friends, that's better than notbing, better than cold wars and better than quarreling. So no, I'm not giving up.

Continue trudging along.

2011-11-12T23:59:00.002+08:00

Spent the whole day in town with my mommy and sister today and I had a really great time! Mommy bought the baggu duck for me and she bought Ralph Lauren polos for the whole family hahah our family attire! I've always wanted the navy blue one and i finally got it!:)

I can do everything I can for you and even more but even then, it'll never be enough for you. Because I'm not enough for you, I'm not who you want, just someone you wanted then. Life's just so unfair right? You can fight like mad and give your everything yet you can still end up with nothing and lose even more than what you even had. Well, for me, I've accepted this harsh fact and I'll continue trudging on. Hoping that one day I'll get back what I gave.

random fact #13: i have this habit of braiding my fringe
random fact #14: i'm really forgetful.

Ps. I realized that november is almost half gone. 3 more months.

Fall out and no make up.

2011-11-11T22:41:00.011+08:00

so happy to finally see my happy fat birds again!!!:) they are busy having As now and i'm busy giving them good lucks haha. even though it was only for a short few hours just now, it was still really nice to just catch up with them. i really think my 2 baby girls will do very very well in As, i have total faith in them.
you know how in shows when best friends quarrel and fall out, they will hug it out and make up with tears and a smile at the end of it all? well, i've learnt the hard way that this doesn't happen in real life. and that's heartbreaking. after awhile, you're just forgotten. but i've also learnt that maybe that's for the best especially when you're leaving soon.
today's 11/11/11 and i made a wish at 11:11. it's been a really long time since i made an 11:11 wish already but today's really special so i figured that i should give it another go. and it's the same old wish i made. hoping that it'll come true.

random fact #11: my favorite color is blue, navy blue to be exact.
random fact #12: i try too hard for too long, i never give up. not on things and definitely, not people.

There's no beginning at all.

2011-11-10T23:58:00.001+08:00

So I don't have any hidden disease after all. And I still have my perfect eyesight. Spend like 3 hours in the hospital with my friend and we were talking about Australia and having to make a to-pack list. And how our lives would change and we'll drift even more from our friends. But she has it even worse bcos she's doing a long distance relationship. You know how people always say that long distance relationship won't work out? Well, I think they will. As long as the two people are really in love then it'll work out. As long as both parties put in as much effort then it will last. Love is simple and easy as long as both hearts are in it together. The reason why it's so difficult for others, it's either because you love yourself more than you love the other person or, there isn't enough love in the first place. That's where I went wrong, for loving too much and too hard when there wasn't even a beginning at all.

Random fact #9: I fall in love much too fast and too hard. And I can't fall out of it.
Random fact #10: I'm a sloth. I prefer staying at home in my pjs in bed and watch my drama serials to partying.

2011-11-09T23:23:00.000+08:00

i'm going for my medical checkup tomorrow and i'm feeling a bit scared haha and nervous. like what if i have a hidden disease that i've never known of???? i know i'm freaking out for no reason but i'm really scared okays.

random fact #7: i always always, forgive no matter what. i just need a lot of time. but rarely do i forget. that's why it's so difficult for me to get past things.
random fact #8: i'm selectively allergic to veggies.

Indefinitely.

2011-11-08T23:52:00.003+08:00

indefinitely.
i once said that i'll wait indefinitely.
you know how sometimes when some words had been said that they can't be taken back because they made an impact on someone else's life?
we say those words every single day in our lives. those "i'll always be here for you", "i'll always care for you" and "you can count on me forever". friends, lovers, even mere acquaintances say words like these every day. but how many of them who uttered those words really meant it? how many of us are willing to go the extra mile, to shed the extra tear and to make the extra effort for the ones we love?
this is what i think about every day. i think about life and the people in it. then i start questioning a lot of things, but most of all, i question my faith in this human race, in love and in hope. our generation is one of the most unempathetic bunch ever, we are a giant enigma. no one ever understands anyone except themselves. yet sometimes, even we fail ourselves.
it's those words that we fling around like they never meant a thing that hurts the most. it's those words left unspoken and feelings left untold that break us all. this world just needs a great big hug and a smile to start healing.

random fact #5: i don't like lemons and limes because they are sour.
random fact #6: i always end up sleeping really late because i think too much at night.

Owells, life.

2011-11-08T00:26:00.005+08:00

had a really fun day today with the malacca gang. and sometimes, i wished we met more often in the past.
you make me disgusted. i know i was the one who pushed you away but still? you could have the decency to at least wait for awhile more before going for another person right. what is this world becoming of? so if you're too much the effort, you'll be forever alone. then i guess it's just too bad that i would be alone forever. i do not apologize for being difficult because if i were that easy a target, then i never would have seen through your lies and your acts. thank god i didn't fall for any of it. i'm just disappointed i guess, i thought you were better than that, i thought you were different. i was just this close to letting you in, to letting you be that friend whom i could trust. but this is life and people lie and act to get what they want. it's just lucky for me that i don't let people in anymore so i don't get hurt for caring for people who aren't worth it.
owells, life.

random fact #3: i have perfect eyesight despite trying ways and means to get myopia to come to me when i was young, because i thought wearing specs made me smart and nerdy.
random fact #4: i dig nerdy smart guys. i'm an elitist at heart when it comes to guys, brains over brawns.

Basically, I hate life.

2011-11-07T02:08:00.002+08:00

you know how you feel like someone's missing, someone that's always there but doesn't really talk much. i miss my grandfather a lot. i never thought i'd miss him this much but i really do. i have been in denial since he passed away. and tonight, amidst the laughters of the family gathering, it hit me. that he's not there anymore, that he's gone forever. i miss his presence, the way he would sit on the "grandfather couch" and just listen to the chatters around him. it's like he was always there, at every single gathering and suddenly he's gone. this is the first full family gathering since he died and it just felt different. like something's missing. i've never been exactly close to him, i don't even really talk to him because i don't know how to talk to adults and old people. and yet, i feel so sad tonight. i just really miss him.
it's always when everyone's asleep that i start blogging and start crying. every night before i go to bed, i stare into the dark and think of the things that i could have done differently, of the words that i should or shouldn't have said. i think of my entire life and how i would or would not change parts of it. i think about what used to be and what it is now. i think about the people who were my friends for a brief period of time and how they aren't now. i think about so many things that i find it difficult to fall asleep.
i'm in love with the past. when things were perfect. when i had this boy who would always be there no matter what. when i am so tight with my girls that it won't matter even if the sky falls down. when i had this person who i can actually pour my heart out to. when i didn't feel this alone. when things were actually getting better by the day. when i feel like someone is looking out for me. when i had almost everything. when i was happy, when i was dancing in the clouds.
basically, i hate the way life is now. that i'm still pretending i don't care, i'm just sweeping everything under the mat. when in fact, everything everybody does affects me in one way or another. that every single word, i scrutinize them, i take into mind the tone and the spelling and everything. i overthink still. i just choose to hide my feelings and thoughts away from everyone. because i've ran out of ways trying to explain to help people understand my thinking. i'm just not that girl anymore, i'm not that simple and not that easy to comprehend anymore.
it's just sad, life is just sad. and i'm trying to make everything better so that it'll be easier for me. i just want to know, when will all this end. when will this feeling like shit and crappy ends. when will i actually feel like people are finally not taking me for granted. when will things start getting better.
you know, i'm so scared to leave this place. i'm so scared that everyone will forget me, that i won't be a part of anything here anymore, that this drifting will get even worse. i'm so scared of everything. but i've got to toughen up. the next 4 years will be even more difficult than anything i've ever been through and i need to get through it and come out even stronger.

i'm going to list out a random fact about myself every day here. to help me remember who i am. so that when i start to forget who i used to be, i could go through all my posts and remember. i'm changing everyday and i'm going to lose myself soon to this insane world.
random fact #1: i don't know how to brush my teeth properly, i drip toothpaste everywhere in the sink and sometimes on myself.
random fact #2: i always say it's okay even when it's not. it's just easier this way.

I suck, as always

2011-11-06T01:54:00.002+08:00

great, idk what i did again. hopefully i didn't screw up again. omg i seriously want to kill myself. like what's wrong with me!!!!!
hello world, please tell me what you want from me. because i really don't know what to do, what to say and what to feel.
i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck
i keep waiting for something good to happen to me, keep waiting for someone to appear to tell me that this wait is over. and i'm so so so tired of all these waitings. when is it going to end? when will something great finally happen to me? when will someone finally recognize my efforts? i push on everyday, but there are some days like today that i start to doubt things, that maybe waiting is meaningless. and maybe good things don't really come to those who wait. because nice girls finish last. argh, so pissed off with life.

Time will make everything better.

2011-11-04T23:59:00.000+08:00

my fat friends haha my fat cutiepiex. omg we are so horrible, last week was xlb buffet and this week it's korean bbq buffet. i'm so fat that no one can recognize me anymore :(
so i got the confirmation email for the air tickets today and it's all finalized!!!

caring hurts, not caring hurts too. tell me what to do or rather tell me what you want me to do. i'm not doing anything because i'm tired of always doing something. yes, i can be the better man, i can be the one to take the first step to make things better again. but i don't want to. why must i always be the one to take the first step? why must it always be me? it takes two to make a friendship work. and if one party is always taking and the other is always giving then there is a majorly huge problem in the whole dynamics of this friendship. i'm tired, really tired. i cannot compete with time, with schoolwork, with projects, with new friends. it's just not in me to do the kind of fighting that i'd been doing so anymore. it's just really tiring and sad. and i don't want to be sad again, i just want to be happy or at least be like what i'm feeling now. time will make everything better.

Surrealism

2011-11-04T02:27:00.003+08:00

so, i've booked the tickets to brisbane already.
and next week, i'll head down to idp to start on my visa application.
i'm hoping that everything will go smoothly from here on, and i'll get my visa without any hiccups along the way.

suddenly, everything is coming on so fast. this feels so surreal. i've been waiting for a whole year for my life to finally begin. and now that it's coming, i'm so scared and excited. and at the same time, i feel happy and sad. but more happy than sad.
sometimes, i'd think about how it would be if someone would to ask me to stay, just so i know the feeling of being wanted and needed. but then again, what's the point? that even if anyone said that to me, i'll still go. i'll go no matter what. i'll go because i'm doing this for myself.
and no worries, i'll probably miss everyone here more than they'll ever miss me. it's wanling you're talking about guys. she's one big predictable cliche.
november will pass by really quickly then it'll be december. i won't be here for a week in december and then when i'm back, december too, will fly by. then comes january when i'll be really busy with all the packing and preparations. finally, february will be here and it'll be goodbye. 3 months, 3 more months. and singapore will be a much happier place without me.

Take heart.

2011-11-02T23:59:00.000+08:00

i had a great day today. watching them study while i start on wuthering heights. and then dinner at ahloy thai and then b&j for desserts. great company makes an awesome night. i couldn't ask for any better.
i was really happy. i wished i could be this happy always.
saw yt's reply for my tumblr post and it made me teared.
i miss my friends. in the quiet of the night, my heart aches. and sometimes it hurts so bad that i cry. i'm not strong, not at all. it isn't fake that i'm really happy in the day. it's just i get really sad at night because it dawned on me that i'm missing out on my friends whom i had fallen out with. friends who were once so close to me. this isn't easy for me at all, it's so difficult. i try not to think about it, i try not to feel but at the end of the day, these feelings catch up with me and there's just no escaping them. it's just inevitable i guess and nothing would make everything the same again.
it hurts, but i'll take heart into these matters and hope that things will be okay soon.

Sweet November

2011-11-01T00:38:00.002+08:00

it's november already! 3 more month till i leave this place. and i'm going to leave everything behind and forget and start anew in australia. i owe myself this much.
im really lazy to blog after i've done so on my tumblr. so please just read from there, it's about the same things as i want to type here. www.dreamerfacade.tumblr.com
it's not that personal, no names mentioned, not even initials. but i'm guessing that my friends could tell who i'm talking bout right?:)
and i'm happy that i'm closer to doreen now. every thursday night is doreen night:) taking korean lessons together made me feel closer to her, it feels like jc all over again. this friend of mine is really special. and i don't ever want to lose her. i know you'll read this, so hang in there babe, uni may be an ass, but you sure as hell can kick its ass!:) i'm sure you can do it, i have faith in you babe!
anyways, i was talking to mavis and lijing about aus just now, the plane tickets and everything and suddenly, everything seemed so real and i'm so excited. i can't wait to go there!!! starting anew there with my 2 favourite girls to help me through the first week, i couldn't ask for anything more.
please let november be good!!!!!! pls pls pls pretty pretty pls

soulmates

2011-10-30T17:21:00.003+08:00

sometimes, you have to put aside that love. you have to decide which is more worth it.
i, or rather we, fought for this for such a long time, coming to a year i guess, to finally establish this balance. in life, there are just some people that you need. and i need him in mine. idk how to explain it too. if we could messed up so many times and eventually still make it back as friends, then it's worth it, everything i did is worth it. and i don't care what others say, what they think, he's a good friend and he was once my closest friend. i dont expect anyone to understand bcos if i weren't me, i wouldnt understand too. i'm just glad it's this way now, that everything is finally okay after so longgg.
this shutting down of feelings work. it's working so well that i'm peaceful.
i'm just really tired.
and amidst this whole madness, i'm glad for this girl called mavis tan. i was just thinking about life and it occurred to me that she's been there for me for almost everything i've been through. and i'm there for her too. soulmates as what she says.

Peaceful kind of angst.

2011-10-29T02:59:00.002+08:00

Time is always not enough right? What's new. And after awhile people just forget. They forget that they need to put in effort for certain things like friendship and relationship to work out.
Nah, I'm not going to judge anymore, actually it's not like I actually judged anyone before. What I said was all my honest opinions, they were never meant to hurt anyone. So you can do whatever you want, you can treat me like crap or you can actually make the effort to be nice to me. I don't care, I don't care anymore. Do whatever you want. If you were my friend, I would have said everything I could to you to make you understand. And if you treat me as a friend, you would have listened. And if after all these, there's still no difference, then it speaks for itself, simple as that. It's not like I'm being unreasonable by not explaining and everything, I did, it's just people don't listen. Nobody takes me seriously; I'm like a fat pathetic joke. So you know what, I'm just not going to care anymore.
I'm nice, I'm nice to my friends, my actual friends who deserve it. Sorry if I had given the impression that I'm nice, too nice before. That people start taking me for granted, they start walking all over me, and they start thinking that I will forgive and forget no matter what wrong things they did to me. I'm not like that anymore. Not going to be too nice to be trampled around. I'll always be really nice to my friends, those few, because I love them.
You don't have any freaking rights to judge me at all. You don't have a single clue on what I've been through for the past few years that you were awol. So don't blame me for being unforgiving and angry. It's not like I didn't welcome you back, it's not like I didnt try to help you by motivating and advising if I could. I did all of that. You did nothing at all. I don't even know you anymore.
Yeah I'm full of angst. But in the midst of this angst, I've found some inner peace too. So it's a peaceful kind of angst that I can live with because it'll make me strong and independent.

Complete and utter bullshit.

2011-10-27T02:23:00.003+08:00

i'm seriously so tired of this whole thing. i love you girls with all of my heart and i always will. i've said all that i want to so there's nothing more i can do except wait. time will make everything better. this is really too much for me to take. who am i kidding, i'm not strong, i'm weak and pathetic, have always been.
i'm really done with complicated.
if you don't want to be my friend, then don't be. i'm not going to force you to be my friend. i'm not going to try to make things good like last time anymore. because there just isn't any point right? it's like after i leave, you'll leave and we'd probably won't see each other for the next decade. it just has to be this way. and i don't want to do this alone anymore.
it really doesn't matter how much you guys went through together, how much you used to matter and mean to each other and how much you guys used to care for each other. if it crumbles, it all crumbles. nothing stands and everything falls apart. this just goes to show how fragile relationships and friendships are. to me, it's all complete and utter bullshit now, with a few exceptions only. it really disheartens me. i fought so hard time and time again and rebuild my beliefs and faith every single time. but this time, i'm done. throughly and thoroughly.

XLBs

2011-10-26T02:37:00.003+08:00

no more xlb for the rest of my life. omg i feel like i might just burst and xlb will fly everywhere, that's how full i am. and yes, it was great hanging out with the clique again:) i realised we meet up at least once a month to eat and just talk shit and i really enjoy those times!
you know what, i'm really very affected by this whole thing. i said i don't care but how can i not when it's concerning 7 years of my life.
this whole friendship concept thing is utter bullshit. when it crumbles, it all crumbles. i'm so sick of complicated and messy, i'm done with it. from now on, i just want simple. and if that's too much to ask, i'm letting it go. yeah, sorry but i just can't take it anymore. there only so much a person can take and this is my limit.

2011-10-25T02:21:00.003+08:00

I'm typing this at 2:21 am on the 25 october. And btw the 24 oct post was typed at 12.01am so it's dated 24 October and not 23, just saying.
I am so angry. Yeah lah so I'm damn stupid I'm always in a mess with my friends. But this time I'm not backing down, I'm not going to do anything. Y always tell me I'm weak and pathetic and I always need people more that they need me so I hurt the most in any quarrels. But guess what, I'm not anymore. No one ever seen an angry me before. I don't even know I could be this angry. I'm not going to be weak and pathetic girl anymore, this is it.
And whatever lah; I'm going to be leaving for Australia in 3 months time only. I cannot wait to go and leave everything behind once and for all. Even if I have to go through this 3 months alone, bcos I don't want anyone to take sides, I can do it.

2011-10-24T00:01:00.000+08:00

i can cry myself to sleep every night but i'll still have to wake up the next day to face the world again. i can keep being sad but at the end of the day, i'm the only miserable one. i can delude myself but i suffer the most in the end. so you know, you can do anything, anything you want but at the end of it all, it's you that you have to answer to and no one else. so you can decide if you want to be an ass to yourself or cut yourself some slack and be nicer to yourself.
it's all in the mind. you can will yourself to get through the day that you thought you'd never make through. you can force yourself to forget someone that used to be so important to you. you can do anything you want, if you want to and if you try hard enough.
and it's like suddenly, i see everything in a much clearer light. i know that i don't need anyone if they don't need me. i know that i can make it through alone. and i know that someday, i'll be happy and i'll be so much happier than when i had you.
what makes you so brave is that you could go to bed feeling like a wreck and yet manage to wake up the next morning and pull yourself out of bed. it's the courage you have to get back up when you're down that makes you admirable.
i don't know what you're thinking but i really wish i do. i just want things to be simple and normal, i don't want complicated and i don't want quarrels anymore. but if you don't want anything, i'm fine with it too.

p.s. it makes me sad to see you guys quarreling. please stop, don't let it ruin this special thing we all cherish.

Emotional roller coaster called Life.

2011-10-23T02:04:00.005+08:00

finally had my fill of 85 market's food. 85 is just great with onenine, going there with others just don't make me as contended as with them. maybe because we are all gluttons and so no one will judge me when i eat a lot.
my nightly workout routine and my weekly run works so well, i've managed to lose half a kg this whole week. but no worries, i won't go overboard, just as long as i get my flat timmy back and get my weight under control again. this whole regime makes me feel healthy and fit. and most importantly, it stops my weight from fluctuating.
so anyway, on my way home just now, two is better than one played randomly on shuffle and it has been on repeat since. i hadn't listened to this song in ages and i felt so nostalgic just now as my bus went by tj. it was the first song y introduced to me when we became closer, it reminded me so much of the past and those good times. and to a certain extent, i really do miss the past, miss what-used-to-be and i want so badly to go back in time to relish it all over again. but then again, this is life, and once the moment is gone, it's gone forever. no amount of longing will bring it back or bring me back in time. truthfully, i really miss it so much. and tonight, i dig a little bit deeper than before. suddenly, all the memories start surging back again. i thought i lost all of them since i pushed them so far back in my mind that i can't recall them when i want to. but no, they are still there, and they always will be. we have nothing but memories, all of us. because this is life, life happens, people change, time pasts and all we have left will be memories and nothing more. and i'm happy that i have these memories to take with me through my life journey.
there will always be songs that remind me of people in my life, songs that remind me of phases i went through in life and songs that take me through this emotional roller coaster called life.
i'm so upset that i become angry. so full of angst these days and i cannot comprehend my mood. it annoys the hell out of me that i'm so angry with everybody. and at the end of the day, the person whom i'm most angry with is myself. if only i'm someone who knows when to let go and can actually let go, if only i'm someone who uses my brain to think instead of letting my heart lead the way and if only i'm less pathetic and more concern for my pride so that i wouldn't be treated as a doormat time and time again. if only you know, if only. i'm so angry because i'm so weak and pathetic. if people don't care then i shouldn't too right. why must i care so much and get myself so torn up and then so upset and angry. how can i put aside my pride time and time again just to get someone back. why am i so spineless and so pathetic. why must i be so concerned. why can't i value myself more and stop letting people trample all over me. why can't i be truthful with myself and be a bitch when i need to.
and it's like i want to say i hate life, i want to say that no one cares about me and if i were to die, no one would even notice. but that ain't true, i'm loved by my family and friends and i know that, i acknowledge that. i'm really very blessed with the people and the things i have in life. and everytime i think about onenine, i feel happy. i think about how y and i are friends again, i feel happy too. and i think about those friends who stand up for me without my knowledge like cheryl, i feel even happier. i'm happy with my life in general. i just get carried away by my emotions easily and get all angry and upset for no reason. i need to learn to control myself better. you can have alot of friends but those aren't who you need in life. you need just those few close friends who accept you when you're a wreck and help you stand up again, those are who you need in life.

No more harping!

2011-10-19T03:58:00.002+08:00

met up for dinner with my retarded cutiepiex doreen and mel plus ping for dinner just now. finally satisfied my waraku pasta craving. i always laugh until i wanna roll on the floor with them. so happy tonight :)
okays, no more harping. if people can just let you go, if they can just give up without even a word after you poured your heart out to them, then i guess it's okay that you stop trying and leave too. because there's no point fighting a battle meant for two, alone. you'll never win, like i don't already know. so you know what, if our years of friendship is not even worth your time then i really can't do anything more. i just really don't how things are now, where we stand and how it's going to be like in the future. so right now, i'm just going to treasure whoever i have left who really cares for me as much as i do for them. spend as much time as i can with them. and leave with no regrets next year.
if me and my words could make someone feel better, i wouldn't hesitate to give those to someone who needs them. and i really mean every single word i say, it's what i feel deep down in my heart. i'm a big fat cliche, but still, take a chance on me.

2011-10-16T03:14:00.002+08:00

Spending a whole entire day with Yiting today for the first time in the 7 years I've known her was absolutely amazing:) we weren't close friends or good friends at the start but our friendship certainly survived through the years and we've grown even closer. Best shopping buddy ever, we were like scavengers. I brought her to my favorite jap curry place, I've never brought anyone there before. It was so effortless with her, we could just keep talking and laughing and not notice the passing time at all. I would love to do this again some time soon!
I'm happy that onenine is getting closer than ever. I'm happy that I'm actually spending time with all of them. I'm happy that yunica's back. I'm happy that we are happy having one another. I'm just really happy that we managed to rise above all obstacles in the past 7 years and become closer than ever.
I'm still angry with the both of them. Because they don't seemed to get why I'm so upset and angry that I needed some time apart. I've explained and I think I made myself clear enough. Being angry and upset doesn't make me not a friend of theirs anymore. So of course I miss them and of course I still care alot. I'm not coldhearted. I keep trying to make it my fault, I keep thinking that it's my fault, but it isn't. I think I know why I keep thinking this way, because thinking that I screwed up and ruined things make it easier for me to deal with than to admit that my closest friends failed me this time round. Because when I'm in the wrong, when im at fault, it makes it easier for me to accept the circumstances I'm in. It's easier for me to know that I failed than to admit that they failed me. I always find it easier to blame myself for everything that happened. Because I can hate myself but I can never hate my friends.

2011-10-15T02:45:00.002+08:00

i wanted to be perfect, i want to be the perfect friend, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect daughter, the perfect stranger. so no one will ever leave me. but i'm not perfect and i never will be. but it'll be worth it if you just stick by me, put up with all my nonsense and accept my messed up soul. because i will do anything and absolutely everything for you.
i hope i can be less tense, less emotional about life and the people in it. i get worked up easily, i make a big deal out of nothing and i always always make a mess of things. but that's only because i care. and maybe i care in the worse way ever, i care in the 'wrongest' way. i care in a way that makes people suffocate, i care in a way that kills myself and i care in a way that just pushes everyone away. i really don't know what to do. i try so hard but at the end of the day, it's not like people actually care or appreciate me. it's like what's the point. but still, i cannot stop trying, i try even though no one seemed to notice, i try even when the world is throwing shit at me. i just cannot stop okay. i want to be less pathetic and i want to be tougher. i want to be someone that people would actually fight for to keep me in their life, someone that actually means a whole lot to others. i don't want to be the one fighting to keep people in my life, i don't want to fight that battle alone again. why must i always be the one fighting? am i so worthless that i'm not even worth a fight.
i'm not complicated, i'm simple actually. i just want someone who cares enough to ask me why am i feeling this way.
and you know what, maybe i need to screw up one part of my life so that the other parts would be okay. it's always this way, isn't it? things are never good with me, not even okay. because i'm such a mess, i'm so messed up and i mess up those who actually come close to me. i'm not a good friend, i'm not even a good person. i'm much too tensed-up to be someone good, i'm not healthy for anyone. i'll just suck the life out of you and mess you up.
i just wished i'm not like this.

2011-10-13T01:30:00.001+08:00

If someone could let you go so easily without a fight, without even a word, then i guess you have to start moving along too.

2011-10-12T02:19:00.002+08:00

It's 2 in the morning and I missed them. I miss them so much. But of course I will right, I'm not heartless. They are my closest friends and I feel weird and empty not talking to either of them. I want so much to do so but what difference would it make right.
I just really miss them alot.

Big Fat Joke

2011-10-10T02:17:00.005+08:00

i feel like my life is in a mess now, again. what's new right. just when i thought things are starting to get better like it always does after a very bad phase, i got proven wrong. oh my god, i'm just so tired of life. like really really so tired, idk what to do anymore. everything i do just seemed to end up so wrong. i'm such a mess. i'm so sick of all these dramas. i think i'm the one with the problem, i can never get this whole friendship thing right and maybe i never will.
and i told you my troubles, my problems, wanting to seek comfort from you but comfort wasn't what i got. and i realise things are so different now, that even if i pretend it isn't, it still is. we are not so close like we were last time anymore, we are new found friends. i'm so eager to take things back to how they were, to when we were normal that i forgot for awhile that we had that hideous past between us and that we can never go back to being normal no matter how hard both of us try. sometimes, just sometimes, i forget that we are starting anew, i think that we are still good and that i can tell you anything and that you'll actually care so much. yeah sometimes, i still treat you like my chamber of complains. and then it dawned on me that we just ain't that good anymore, not us anymore and that things couldn't be more different. and i'm sad because it doesn't matter what happened, you were one of my closest friend and i really did trust you. and that you actually opened up to me, just that i managed to screw it up time after time and you shut me out. so next time when you start to hate me or get angry at me again, remember that i actually cared when no one else did. that i was the one there for you when there seemed to be no one and i always will.
what's different is i actually gave a fuck when no one else did. but i guess life is just so unfair right, that what you give would never be what you get back.
life is one big fat joke. and i'm so tired of it.

A time out.

2011-10-09T02:00:00.002+08:00

It breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces. It breaks my heart to tell you the words that I did. It breaks my heart to even have to send those words to you in the first place. But what breaks my heart the most is you. I'd never thought we'd come to this but I guess life is one mean cruel joke. I wished I didn't have to tell you those words, I wished I didn't even need to think about them, I wished you didn't break my heart. Coming from the 2 girls I relied on and loved so much, it shatters my soul. I really don't know how to go on pretending that it's okay and that it doesn't matter when I truly am disappointed and angry.
Maybe being too available makes me redundant. I never learnt my lessons, I'm always too readily there to help, to listen, I'm always so eager to be the first one to care and so happy that you choose to confide in me than others. And maybe you'll never know how much I care or how much I treasure our friendship or how much I try. Because maybe, I can never get this friendship concept right, or maybe I'm just not good enough for them too.
What's new right. I think this calls for a time out.

ninefats

2011-10-07T00:06:00.004+08:00

sometimes in life, you get really lucky and you find a real friend among all the fakes. a real friend who would be there for you no matter what. and i've got 8 of them and i'm thinking how lucky i really am. i thank all the gods in this world and all the stars that are in the sky for sending me 8 wonderful beautiful girls. it's just nice to know that i'm not alone, that i have them. and in my times of need, those times that i really really need someone even though i act like i don't, i'm thankful i have them to turn to.
i really needed my friends just now. and they were all there for me. how can someone like me be blessed with such great friends, they are practically sisters. i cannot find the words to explain how much i really appreciate them. for caring so much and worrying about my safety when i'm out so late at night running alone and i don't reply them. friends like them, you just hold on to and never ever let go.
nobody needs such a messed up soul like me as a friend, i just complicate life with my baggage of problems. i'm just so glad that they didn't give up on me, that they stood by me for all these years. and i understand if my other friends can't be bothered because they are busy with life, with studying, with partying. i understand it all. because with life that amazing, you just don't want to upset it with a needy and fucked up person like me. so nope, i don't blame them, i'm not angry, it's more like i can't be bothered anymore. because in times of need, you see who your true friends are, you see the whole world in a clearer light.
feeling better now that this dreadful day is over. and i've got to say it again and again, i couldn't have done it without my baby girls and i love all of them so so so much. thank you.

Excuses

2011-10-05T01:36:00.004+08:00

i hate it when people give excuses instead of making an effort. and what's even worse is that the excuses made up are the worse kind ever, they are so ridiculous, i don't know if i want to cry or laugh at you. owells, if someone's not willing to make the effort then it says so much by saying nothing at all.
no time, that's not an excuse at all. sometimes, i really don't know what goes on in people's mind. time is always there, sure, sometimes you feel like there's just not enough time but that's just because your time management sucks. i mean, if you have time to check facebook or twitter or go on tumblr and reblog posts, but you don't have time to talk to a friend?? what is this? it pisses me off. i always say it's okay, i understand. and true, it's okay because i couldn't care less anymore. and i understand, that's just because i know why you are like that, like i understand your actions but that doesn't mean i'm happy with them. so what if i have a lot of time on hand now, you cannot use that against me. you can't say that because i have a lot of time so i can constantly be there and talk to people, that's so not true. because i know that even if i don't have enough time, i'll still make an effort and make sure that i'm actually really there for my friends. don't come bullshit with me please. i've proven my words through my actions more than enough time already so don't say i'm lying and don't even try to judge me.
sometimes, or rather, most of the times in life, if someone stops making an effort and you try so hard to get that person back just to have that person go further away, then you should stop and save yourself from further heartbreaks. i've been spending so much time with my family and my ninefats. and i'm happy like that, because they are different, they actually care for me as much as i care for them. and i need to surround myself with people who care and stop caring for those who don't. and i know i'm losing some of my friends and that makes me sad. i'm trying but it can't just be a one-way street.
i'm baking again and i'm enjoying it. there was this period of time that i just stopped baking altogether because of you. i stopped doing a lot of things because of you and i'm starting to do them all again. because i realised that it's not those things that should be gone, it's you. because you don't care, i'm not going to say you didn't care before because i know you did, it's just time is different now. people changed, we fell apart.
seriously, i really don't know what i'm doing sometimes, i don't know what i'm feeling. i run like i'm running away from something because the pain from the strain and over-exertion of my lungs and chest is so much more bearable than the pain from the emptiness i feel from the hole in my heart. and i know it's not an issue about you anymore, it's me. it's me and my messed up soul and mind. i'm trying not to let anything get to me, i'm trying to loosen up and just let live and live.
thing is, i've ran out of ways to try to explain how i feel. and sometimes, i don't even want to tell anyone how i'm feeling. i'm okay with dwelling on it on my own, just sitting in one corner and think, i'm okay dealing with my own problems alone. because when i say what i'm really feeling, i feel so vulnerable and weak and pathetic. yeah so, i keep things to myself these days. it's easier this way.
i'm so tired but i'm still trying.

Not an option

2011-09-30T13:16:00.003+08:00

i'm not an option. i'm sick of being an option. all you boys asked me but i said no. because i know i'm not the first girl you asked. that i'm the 2nd choice, that i'm the option. but i don't want to be an option anymore. i want someone to ask me because i'm the first girl they thought of, because i'm who they want to go through the night together, because i'm me. not because i'm nice so i won't say no, or not because i look nice which is total bullshit there are other girls out there looking so much better than i do. i just don't want to be the option, you don't choose me just because you can't have what you want. no, it doesn't work that way anymore. i'm not going to be a pushover or a doormat, i'm going to learn to say no and use it when i need to.
you want to know what girls want? girls just want someone to want them back, girls just want a nice gentleman.
my being nice to you does not give anyone any reasons to take me for granted or treat me like crap. i've had enough and i'm stronger now so no one is going to push me around and take me for nothing.
and i'm sorry i'm such a crybaby, that i'm always tearing or crying. when i'm happy/sad/upset/angry/disappointed/misunderstood/touched, i cry. because that's the only for me, it's the only way i can be and the only thing i can do to express myself. i wished i didn't cry so easily though, it never fails to make me feel weak and pathetic.
what's meant to be will be eventually. even if it's going to take 10 years, 20 years, it'll still be. sometimes, there's really nothing you can do but let time do the work.

the arms of a friend

2011-09-29T03:17:00.002+08:00

seeing your tumblr post made me teared. thanks chels :')
i try, i try very hard every single day. and it's all going to be worth it, someday.
with my family and my girls, i'm all set for life. i don't need anything or anyone more, they are enough and i'm truly happy when they are in my life. the world and everyone else can continue throwing shit at me for all i care, because i know that i'll be okay in the end, with them around me.
there's no need to force someone to be your friend, because if they really want to be your friend, they'll fight for it as much as you are fighting for them. and if they are not doing anything, then it says alot.
it's okay to be sad once in a while, it's okay to fall into an abyss, it's okay to cry. it's all okay as long as you can pick yourself up, you can fight back and you come back stronger. because what doesn't kills you only makes you stronger.

Let it go

2011-09-26T22:53:00.003+08:00

I'm really glad that things are okay now. i really don't know how i would be if things were left as they were in that hideous way. i was up all night thinking about the things i said and the way i reacted and i know that it's wrong of me, too rash and too tense. but it's okay now, things are okay. and i'm letting it all go, this time for real. i really mean it. because i want this friendship to work and because i should have a long time ago. i wished things will be normal for us again, i wished that too. and at least we have the same wish now and maybe this time it'll work out for once.
it's like i can't explain the words i say or the things i do when it's concerning you. i can't explain myself when it's about you. i just do what i think i should, i follow my heart and not my mind when it comes to you. and sometimes it ends up in a mess, sometimes it doesn't but most of the time it's a very ugly mess. owells, we'll just wait and see how things turn out. but why do i get the feeling that it's just all words and no actions again. no expectations, no hope, no nothing at all. things will be okay either way because i'm stronger now.
i miss my girls :( i can't wait to see them again.
and i bought 2 dresses online omggggg i was camping at the website lah wth i'm crazy. owells, it makes me happy.
and it feels like the huge rock has been lifted from my shoulder. i feel free and happy now. let it go wanling, someone better will come along, maybe not now, but definitely in the future. i hope everyone's happy too.

2011-09-25T02:15:00.000+08:00

Happiness comes from within

2011-09-25T02:03:00.002+08:00

I'm so happy today, okays it's actually yesterday since it's like 2;04am already. spending time with my girls is always such a pleasure. i really hope yiting enjoyed her day as much as we did. even though her balloon surprise failed :( but at least we went to barracks @ dempsey house and had yummy skinny pizzas and sinful desserts. and i drove to dempsey for the first time in my life!!!! Hahaha i was so scared and stressed but it was really fun in the end. singing to taylor swift in the car, pure ecstasy. back to the food, they are like dope, it's really good! i love meeting them, they make me so happy and they make me forget about the real world for the whole day. what am i going to do without them? it's going to be so hard without them around. okays, i should stop letting all these negative thoughts get to me because they ain't going to be helping me and i should enjoy my time here now, for the next 4 months.
happiness comes from within and they also come from the friends and family who loves you. because if they really do care, they'll make time no matter what, no excuses at all. and if they make you happy, then you should never let them go. because it is really difficult to find people whom you can connect to at the heart level, it's difficult to find people whom you can be your own silly self and they don't judge and you are totally comfortable and at ease with them. never let anyone who had touched your heart leave, it's nearly impossible to find them again.
so i'm not leaving, i'm staying. no matter how difficult it's going to get, i'm going to fight again and again and again, till my last breath. because i don't want to let you go. i really like you being my friend. i know i'm really stupid but life is stupid anyway. so owells, to hell with it, not going to care about what's right and wrong anymore, just going to live life as a stupid reckless girl.

2011-09-21T00:06:00.000+08:00

The stars are asleep

2011-09-20T23:51:00.003+08:00

sometimes i wished i weren't me. i wished i were her, i wished i were anyone but myself. but sometimes i'm glad i'm me, because even though i'm so thoroughly broken, i felt what i felt and i never once denied myself these feelings, i took it on like a warrior and i asked what i want, i did whatever it takes for me and the people i love. because this is me, and you'll find no other anywhere else.
i realised that you don't read my blog anymore. maybe you have no time or much rather, you can't be bothered to anymore. idk and i don't really want to know. because if you still do, then you'll know what and how i feel and what i want and wish for, just like last time. but i guess that was because you still cared and now, everything changed, you don't anymore.
i know, i knew all along. but i still asked and i got my answer. knowing it beforehand doesn't makes me feel any better. it still sucks to know that i'm never your choice. that after everything, i weren't the person you thought about first or even second or last. what more can i do. i just cry and cry and then feel a tiny bit better. i baked more because that made me feel better too. and i run, i ran such a distance and for so long because it's therapeutic. these 3 combined made up an immense therapy day. i felt better, a tiny bit, but still better. and i can't change anything, certainly not the way you feel about me. and i'm done fighting to keep myself away, keep my concerns to myself. i don't know what to do.
i continue making wishes on the stars but these wishes ain't coming true, it's like the stars are asleep. or even the stars gave up on me.

I'd told you

2011-09-19T14:32:00.004+08:00

last week was just a really bad week. and i guess i deserved it since i had rather happy days before that, too many happy days, that i knew it was just too good to be true for me. happy just doesn't stay with me for long i guess. meeting my friends certainly made me feel a whole lot better. and they are why i'm holding on still. and eventually, it'll all be worth it, this will be worth it. it's just in me to have this periods of happiness and sadness, when i'm happy, i really am. but when i'm sad, it's like i plunged into an abyss. it's just a part of me, something that i don't want but i can't change.
i told you, i'm always here to listen if no one else is willing to. and you can hold me to my words.
and i thought by saying it all out to you, things would change, but what an idiot, of course it won't change a thing, of course it don't matter. because after all, it's about me. and that explains a lot, doesn't it?
you and everyone else may not understand how i can still feel it and tell when something's wrong with you, or how i can still keep caring like day one when things are so broken up now, or how i can just keep giving and giving and not expect anything in return at all. i don't ask for anyone to understand but just respect my decisions, my feelings and the choices i made and am still going to be making. because there's always going to be people like them and him in your life that you can't do anything about. all you want is for them to be happy and you'll do anything to make sure of that, even if by doing so you break yourself apart.
at the end of the day, i just want you to be happy. and the rest, they don't matter at all.

2011-09-16T02:17:00.002+08:00

you break my heart. they break my heart too. and after awhile, it just seems so normal to always be heartbroken. but i know this is not the way it should be. that it shouldn't be this hard, that i need not be crying every other night over one thing or another. sometimes, you guys really make me want to leave this place and never come back. but you guys are also the reason why i'm sad to be leaving. it shouldn't be this way, life shouldn't be this hard at this age. it's so unfair, why must i always be the one feeling unworthy, left behind, left out, misunderstood, alone? and why am i still so hung up over it, it's been more than a year. maybe it's because i didn't get the closure i needed or maybe it's because of all the answers i'll never get from all the questions i have for you.
no, i'm not supposed to be this way. but what's even worse is not knowing how to make myself feel better. i don't want to be this way either, who wants to be perpetually sad and emotional. i want to be happy and be able to let go when it's time to do so. but i can't, it's not like i don't try, i try really hard. stop blaming or disliking me for who i am now because you had a part in moulding me into the person i am today. i just don't know what to do anymore. i feel so lost and alone sometimes. i typed this whole long text message but i ended up deleting it because i don't know who to send it too. no one truly understands or rather no one bothers to. and i understand because there just isn't enough time. i don't blame anyone, seriously. because sometimes in life, it's better to just keep it all to yourself.
i really am very tired of trying to keep it altogether.

2011-09-15T00:31:00.001+08:00

i really really really dont care anymore. sick of being sad, sick of everything. so i'm not going to care anymore. the world and the people can continue throwing shit at me, it won't even affect me because i don't care anymore. just going to let this heart die.

okay, i'm so okay.

2011-09-14T23:34:00.004+08:00

just when i thought today might actually be a good day, or at least an okay day, i had to be proven wrong right when i thought the day was going to be over. i'm so tired of this, sometimes, i don't even know why i keep trying. maybe you should be in my position then you would truly understand the reasons behind my actions, or else, it'll only just going to always be excuses to you. and seriously, i'm so sick of this, so past caring. i can't even find it in me to cry even though i'm pretty upset by this. it's like what's the point in crying? it'll only further emphasize how weak i really am.
i don't have anymore in me to give. i don't want this to break apart because many times, this is the thing that keeps me going.
owells, 5 more months and i'm out of this hellhole. i just need to stay strong for these remaining months and i'll be out of here. i'll be free from all this drama. and truthfully, i think my leaving would be good for everyone. one whiny bitch off my back, one crazy delusional girl off my back. the list goes on.
so sick and tired of always trying. i'm just so not worth it right. i know this, i fucking know this.
but i'm okay, i'm perfectly fine. i'm okay, couldnt-be-more okay than this okay. so yeah, save your efforts, those who don't have time, those who simply don't care. because i am fucking okay.

unexpected

2011-09-12T14:10:00.003+08:00

that was really unexpected. and it made my heart stopped and leapt, like literally. doing things for you and never expecting anything in return, that's been going on for a really long while. and truthfully, i didn't mind one bit. because doing something is better than doing nothing at all. i care too much to not not care anymore, if you get what i mean.
i really needed a good cry last night and that was a good trigger. the tears just rolled down automatically and it felt good to feel something again, even if it's pain, it feels good to feel alive again. it's like nothing makes me cry anymore, not sad movies or novels, not sad dramas. i just really needed to cry to get everything off my chest, it's the only way to make me feel better because i'm a crybaby. and honestly, thank you for making me cry, i really needed it.
and yknow what will be my best going away present, or actually, what i have been wishing for all this time, is to be your date for social night. i know, what an idiot right, why am i such an idiot. sometimes, i question myself too, why am i such an idiot. but that's what i really want. and i know it's impossible, but i still want it. it'll be like the prom we never had. but what an idiot lah, i really want to punch myself, i'm such an idiot.
and it's not like i can stop caring just by telling myself to stop, i can't switch off like that. been too intune for too long that i still can't shake off these feelings. i still know when something's not right for you, still feel it in my bones, and that's when i'll talk to my imaginary friend.
it's like sometimes, i really felt like i've moved on, that i'm all over it. but some other days, i feel like i'm still stuck in the past, still stuck in yesterday. and there's nothing i can do about it. time made it hurt less and made me feel better. so i can only wait. wait and wait, i'm always waiting for something, for someone. it's what i do best in now. i don't know what i'm waiting for too, but that's the only thing i can do now. and it sucks a lot to not know what i'm waiting for yet i still have to do the waiting.

unexplainable missing

2011-09-06T23:01:00.003+08:00

i kind of feel like killing myself or at least just let me leave this place already. i can't take it anymore, can't fucking take this and everything else anymore.
i'm so upset, i'm crying because i can't find the words to explain what i'm feeling, i can't make anyone understand why i'm feeling this way and i'm crying because i don't know what else i can do.
i miss my friends so much, i miss it when they were actually here for me, when we can spend time together just talking about life. i miss the feeling of knowing that i know they have my back. i miss it when their school hadn't started. i know i'm always whining about this but i feel so scared and insecure because they don't have time for me anymore and i know that things will just get worse. and i'm the one going to be leaving for 4 years, leaving everything and everyone behind and having to be alone, starting all over again. and i get scared. because all my friends will still be with each other and get even closer and i'm going to be left behind and forgotten. i mean, i'm in the same country as them now and we don't even have time. what would happen if i'm in another continent and not to mention, the time difference? will they still make the effort, would i still be worth the effort.
and i miss you so fucking much. like really really truthfully miss you. there, i said it all out, i miss you. i've been keeping it to myself and burying it deep inside my heart for a really long time that i begin to believe this lie that i've made up. i start to believe that i don't care about you, i don't know you, i hate you, i don't miss you. but truth is, i am, i still am, every single day. it's the kind of missing that makes breathing difficult, it's the kind of longing that requires me to hold myself really tightly to ease the pain. it's been more than a year and i still miss you and i'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me. i wished you were still here, i wished you were still here to make me okay, i wished you were still here to do whatever that is within your capacity to make me happy. i miss you and the consistency of us. i miss you and the simplicity of life with just you and me. i miss you when you missed me. and what kills me even more is knowing that you don't care anymore because the day that you just decided to stop talking to me, told me so. and i wonder how could you have done that. because this time round, i know, i'm sure that i wasn't the one who screwed up, that i didn't do anything or say anything to make that happen. i don't understand, i really don't. and to top it off, i still miss you. good job wanling, only you can still miss a person who treated like crap, or even worse than crap. but i guess, this is love, that even if this is crazy and unexplainable, it's still love. and seriously, i don't know what to do anymore. i'm so sick and tired of this, of myself, i just want everything to end.
i just want to cry and cry and cry all the sadness and unhappiness out.
i miss you. and this is the last time i'm going to say it.

F.up

2011-09-05T00:18:00.003+08:00

this is getting out of hand. it throws me off balance, it screws with my mind and it's turning my world upside down. and it's not good, not good at all. i am so fucked up, and it's all your fault. you are still haunting me, i swear, if i could erase all the memories i would, i really would. i want to go back to being myself before all these happened, before i knew you. i'm trying so so so fucking hard already but i just can't seem to shake off these feelings. it's really bad and i feel really bad. because he doesn't deserve this, but i can't do anything to make things better because i'm the way i am now for a very particular reason. i cannot do this, i really cannot. getting over is one thing, being ready and opening up is a different thing altogether. and right now, i really don't want to open up or get into anything, i just can't handle it. i like how it is with me and me alone, true that i may not enjoy being alone all the time but at least i don't have to think about another person's feeling. i know i sound really selfish and self-centered but i have a need to be. i feel like i need to be this way now, i need to put myself first and i need to ensure that i don't get hurt anymore. because i really don't know what i will do if i let another person in and then that person decides to just leave me without a word, i really don't know what to do if that happens again. i really can't do this, i just can't.
and i need my best friend, i need him to help me through this because i really don't know what to do. but i hvn't talk to him in ages and i miss him so much sometimes.
i don't know what to do, i really don't know. maybe i should be the bitch this time round, leave it now so that nothing will go wrong.

perfectly imperfect

2011-09-01T12:51:00.003+08:00

i think i am so confused and upset with myself because i'm thinking too much, i always do. because, i need control in my life, control of my life. i need to know how the next moment of my life is going to play out. i do not like not knowing what's going to happen. that's why i always make plans, that's why i don't do impromptu. and you know this so you made exceptions for me. and i'm so used to it, so used to you making exceptions for me. and also, i'm so used to not having you around, so used to not having to think about not being in control, that i'm thrown off my guards now. i know i'm not exactly the most spontaneous person around, okays, i'm not spontaneous at all but it's what makes me me. and i'm not going to change that because if i do, like i've tried to in the past, i'll go crazy, i'll go psychotic, i'll get upset. i let myself think too much, i live too much with my mind instead of my heart.
so maybe this time, i'll not think, i'll just feel. i'll not plan, i'll just go with the flow. i mean not totally don't make plans, but i won't be so rigid anymore. i mean, i only have 5 more months left to do whatever i want and i want to do some crazy things. i'm not going to let my mind lead me, i'm going to follow my heart.
and yknw, what you did was so mean and awful that i won't forgive you. i won't ever forgive you. at this point, there's not so much as anger left as there is of disappointment. some things when gone, they will never come back. what i know is, i know you'll be happy but i also know that you'll never find another girl like me anywhere, someone who would do anything and everything for you just because it's you. we were so perfectly imperfect .

.something bad rolled along

2011-08-30T02:11:00.003+08:00

i really don't know what i'm doing now and i get really upset when i have no idea what i'm doing. i hate it when i have no control over myself. i know it's wrong, i know it'll end badly like always. but i just can't help it. maybe i'm too motivational for my own good, maybe it's because i can relate to it that's why there's a connection or maybe i'm just too nice at the start. idk, i really dont know. and i'm pissed off at myself for putting myself into this situation, for wrecking my own peace. i don't need this, i know i don't, i know i can be alone, i have been for a really long time and i'm happy. wtf, want to slap myself upside down. i'm not sweet, i'm a monster. i'm not nice, i'm crazy. you just don't know me yet, so why don't you run while you still can, or maybe i should walk away now.
and i really don't know what to do about this other you. my words always end up screwing things up. and i really don't mean it. but it seemed like the damage is done already and idk how to salvage this. feel like you hate me, which you probably do.
damn fucking piss at myself for being me. i really just want to leave now and leave everything behind. idk how to deal with all this. i just knew that after that period of good days i've been having, something bad would roll along, and yeah i'm so right. someone pls tell me what to do, because i'm really lost and confused and i hate this.